


Get in the spaceship, loser. We're boldly going.

by circumlocute



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Romantic Comedy, Alternate Universe - Star Trek Fusion, Anal Sex, Bulges and Nooks, Developing Relationship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Meet-Cute, Miscommunication, Oral Sex, Polyamory Negotiations, Porn With Plot, Power Bottom Karkat, Quadrant Confusion, Quadrant Vacillation, Star Trek knowledge not necessary although it certainly won't hurt, Threesome - M/M/M, Vaginal Sex, Xeno, Xenophilia, but with a twist!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-06-09 05:44:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15260685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/circumlocute/pseuds/circumlocute
Summary: Freshly-promoted Captain John Egbert has just received his first mission from Starfleet Command: safely transport eccentric xenopaleontologist Dave Strider to his new research site on a distant planet. Commander Karkat Vantas is the reluctant First Officer dragged along for the ride.It's a simple enough mission, if only all those damn feelings would stop getting in the way.





	1. Step one: Don't catch feelings.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [twofoldAxiom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/twofoldAxiom/gifts).



> This was my prompt:  
> "Cherry Pepsicola is still a thing, right? Jokes aside, I would dearly like to see something involving these three and an AU of your choosing; it doesn't have to be too indepth an AU, just something branching off from the usual format of Earth C or In-Game stuff.
> 
> Bonus: A really wild kind of AU, like Star Trek or Game of Thrones kinds of stuff... framed as a romcom."
> 
> I saw "Star Trek" and "romcom" in the prompt and just went ham on it. I hope you like it, this was a blast to write!

**John: Receive brief. == >**

 

“Your mission is to safely and efficiently provide transport for the doctor to his new research site.”

“Yes, Admiral Crocker.” John nodded. Okay, sure, the _Cloudburst_ was kind of a dinky ship, and John was pretty new to the whole captain thing, but this was a total snoozefest of a first mission. Pick up some scientist dude and shuttle him over to different planet. The trip itself was about a month long. It sounded...painfully boring.

All in all, it was a perfect first assignment, but that didn’t mean John couldn’t secretly wish for a little more excitement. Bluh.

“You will show him the utmost hospitality. The institute employing him has been discussing further partnerships with Starfleet, with _very_ intriguing potential avenues of research. Do not give them even the slightest reason to believe that Starfleet does not know how to treat our colleagues.”

John nodded, again. Being captain sure seemed to entail a lot of nodding! “Yes, Admiral.” So, mission: don’t fuck this up. Easy enough.

She gave him a wry look. “That means no pranking, John. Can you manage that?”

“No problem. Shouldn’t you be a little more worried about Karkat, though?”

John hadn’t had much chance to get to know Karkat yet, but he had a bit of a, um, reputation. As it were. That reputation was part of why he picked Karkat out of all the potential candidates for first officer, though, so it’s not all bad! He’s just known for being a little belligerent. Or maybe a lot belligerent if the rumors were true, haha.

“Commander Vantas is being briefed, don’t you worry. At any rate, he’s an officer just like you, John. He’s learned when to keep that temper in check, at least most of the time. As his commanding officer, I’m sure you’ll be able to handle him, hoo hoo!”

She was probably right. How hard could it be, anyway? It’s not like Karkat was gonna have any reason to fight with this dude.

“And John?”

“Yes, Admiral?”

Admiral Crocker smiled at him, her posture relaxing. “Congratulations and good luck, dear.”

John grinned. “Thanks, Nanna.”

 

**== >**

 

John decided to break in his ready room by looking up a little more information on their guest. Dr. Dave Strider was a xenopaleontologist intending to study vertebrate fossils on a recently-established Federation colony. He wasn’t super well-known or prestigious, at least not as far as John could tell, but he had published some insightful stuff on convergent evolution. Well, the articles John found _said_ they were insightful. The papers themselves were kind of incomprehensible; Dr. Strider’s metaphors didn’t make understanding all the jargon any easier!

The door connecting John’s office to the bridge chimed, distracting him from his reading. He looked up from his PADD, eyebrows raised.

“Come in?”

A troll wearing command red stepped into the room. John instantly recognized the nubby horns and furious expression from pictures, and stood to greet his new first officer.

“Hi, Commander Vantas!” Holy shit, he was _tiny._ And ripped! John reminded himself that he was a professional and valiantly resisted the urge to ogle. He was so buff though.

Karkat shook his hand. His expression was decidedly unimpressed. “The crew’s boarded and is preparing for departure. Sir. Barring any ensigns getting frosty strut pods and holding everyone up with their shitfits, we should be ready to leave soon.”

“Oh, wow.” In a lot of ways, John didn’t expect this to happen at all. Shit. He was about to _captain his own starship._ It was amazing, and unbelievable. Amazievable. “Uh, wow! Okay. I’ll be on the bridge, if you could have someone give Dr. Strider our ETA while I check in with the senior officers?”

Karkat nodded, crossing his arms. “Yes, Captain. Barring any fuckery we’ll be there in about an hour.”

John grinned. “There’s always fuckery though, isn’t there?”

Something possibly approaching a smile--or at least, not a scowl--crossed Karkat’s features. “There’s _always_ fuckery.”

 

**== >**

 

Sure enough, there was fuckery. Some ensigns in engineering burned themselves, and while it was nothing major it slowed things down a little. That’s okay, though! Something always happens when you’re on a starship, and Karkat said he’d added in a ‘dumbass allowance’ into their ETA. Everything was going about as smoothly as could be expected.

John was sitting in the captain’s chair on the bridge ( _his_ chair, holy shit). Everything had been checked and double checked, they were cleared to leave, and then it would just be John, his crew, and all of space stretching out before them.

He leaned over to his right, where Karkat was sitting next to him, and whispered, “Isn’t this exciting?”

Karkat raised one eyebrow and heaved a long sigh. “I could just piss myself with delight, Captain.”

John snorted. Karkat sure did have a way with words! But right now wasn’t time to laugh at and definitely not moon over his second-in-command. Right now it was time to go. John sat up straight and grinned.

“Set a course for Starbase 413. One-quarter impulse power, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Engage.”

The ship glided into motion, leaving the docking bay behind. John took a deep breath, doing his level best not to whoop with delight. He leaned back over towards Karkat.

“I’ve always wanted to say that,” he whispered.

Karkat rolled his eyes.

 

**Karkat: Welcome guest. == >**

 

Karkat followed Captain Egbert down to the transporter room, listening to him natter on about how cool this was, wasn’t it so super cool, Commander? Whatever. It was definitely annoying, and not at all endearing, despite what Karkat’s hindpan said. Obnoxious captain being all excited and shit. Disgusting.

They’d just arrived at Starbase 413 and were waiting to receive Dr. Strider. Egbert had insisted they both be there in the transporter room, to “give the right impression.” Fine, sure. Karkat would give the best impression. He might even smile.

Karkat had a sneaking suspicion that it was going to take every ounce of willpower in him to _maintain_ that level of hospitality, but fuck if he was going to let a professional dead shit ogler get the best of him.

He stood next to Captain Egbert’s side in the transporter room, waiting as Dr. Strider beamed aboard.

The first thing Karkat noticed was that he didn’t look the slightest fucking thing like the image of a scientist that Karkat had built in his head. And, okay, sure, obviously he wasn’t a member of Starfleet and therefore wouldn’t wear the uniform, but. But! He looked almost embarrassingly casual, slouching with his hands in his pockets. He was wearing fucking _sunglasses. Indoors. On a starship._

Everything about him exuded an aura of pretentiousness, like he’d never had to work for anything a day in his life and thought he was better than everyone for it. That and the fact that he was disgustingly attractive only served to piss Karkat off more.

“Alright, so which one of y’all’s gonna show me to my new digs?”

Oh yeah. Karkat definitely hated him.

“Hi, Dr. Strider!” John stepped forward and extended his hand. How was he so cheerful all the time, just being around him was going to give Karkat a fucking hernia.

Dr. Strider shook his hand and stepped off the transporter pad. “Dave is fine, man. The whole ‘doctor’ thing is weird, it’s like, shit, are you talking to me? And of course they are, I’m like, the only Strider I know, but that doesn’t stop it from keep being weird. Anyway, hey, hi, hello.”

John grinned. “Alright, then, hi Dave. I’m Captain Egbert, but you can call me John if you really want. We can go ahead and show you around the ship while we’re transporting your things onboard?”

“Shit, yeah, that’d be great. Definitely don’t want to get lost my first fucking day here, right?”

“Right!” John nodded and turned to Karkat. “Commander, if you could show him around? I’ll stay as long as I can, but I’ll probably need to leave before I can do a full tour with you.”

Karkat gritted his teeth. Oh fucking joy, just him and Dave. He hated John and that goddamn relentless smile too, but it was marginally more tolerable than Dave’s...everything. He’d say it was hate at first sight, if it wasn’t absolutely platonic.

“Yes, sir.”

 

**Dave: Receive tour. == >**

 

“So this is where the holodeck is, and just down there is the rec room. We’ve got your usual setup of replicators--Starfleet issue so any, um, ‘adult beverages’ are just synthehol, haha.” John rubbed the back of his neck, looking a little sheepish. Psh.

Dave shrugged. “I don’t drink, no biggie. It ain’t no thing.” He was picky enough that there wasn’t much hooch he tried that he actually _liked,_ and after the, uh...everything with the Lalonde side of the family, he wasn’t willing to try more.

The _Cloudburst_ was pretty fucking sweet, though, all things considered. It wasn’t huge or anything, but they’d apparently given him swanky-ass quarters with their own adjoining office space for him to work. And the, uh, senior officers weren’t bad to look at. That was definitely a perk too. And. Shit, and! They seemed to _really_ want to make sure he gave them a five-star review at the end. Which, okay, yes. Maybe it was a little evil to take advantage of that. But Dave wasn’t just going to let this opportunity to go to waste. No, sir. He’d just...use it for really important stuff. Yes.

Like thinking of excuses to make Captain John and his beefy first officer come pay attention to him. God.

“And if you want to come this way--Dave? Dave, are you listening?”

Oh, shit. Dave looked up and nodded at John. Off to the side, Commander Whatshisface glowered sexily. Could a glower be sexy? Hmm.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m all present. There’s just so much goin’ on in a Starship it’s easy for a layperson to get distracted in all the hustle and bustle, you understand.”  
  
“We’re in an _empty hallway,_ you--” Commander Nubs inhaled sharply and seemed to literally swallow his fucking words, holy shit. He looked like he was going to explode. This trip was going to be amazing.

John gave them both looks before apparently deciding that wasn’t worth thinking about, because he clapped his hands together and started walking briskly towards the turbolift.

“Anyway! This way we have the life science and geology departments--obviously you have your own office to use however you like, but consider yourself welcome here too! It’s no fancy-pants lab, but you should be able to, uh...do whatever sciency stuff you need to? We’ll mostly be using them to analyze samples from alien planets, and I don’t imagine we’ll be doing much of that for this mission.”

Crankypants exhaled sharply while Dave laughed under his breath. John either ignored them or didn’t notice, and kept going on about various features of the labs until his communicator buzzed, informing him he was needed on the bridge.

“Oh—okay, I’ll be right there. Commander Vantas, can you finish the tour and then meet me on the bridge as soon as Dave is settled in?”

Vantas—so that was his name—nodded without hesitation, despite his earlier bitching.

“Yes, sir.”

“So how much more ship can there be?” Dave asked, stepping out of the turbolift once it had reached its destination. “It’s not like this is the fuckin’ _Enterprise.”_

Vantas gritted his teeth and started pacing down the hall, towards the labs. This left Dave at the optimal butt-viewing position. Starfleet knew how to make a uniform, and apparently Alternia knew how to make asses. God damn. Long live the Empire.

Dave followed at a more leisurely pace, although he did occasionally have to break into a jog to keep up with Vantas. How did someone so tiny move so fucking fast?

“Well, you don’t exactly need a tour of Engineering, so I’ll show you where the mess hall is and then take you to your quarters. If the crew is even semi-competent they’ll have your sh—your things moved in by then. And then I can get back to pretending I actually serve a useful purpose on this tin can rattling through space.”

Dave snorted. Shit, this dude was _fun_ when he wasn’t furiously clenching down on the stick up his ass.

“You can swear around me, man, I’m not some delicate flower. Makes you seem like, you know, an actual person. ‘Course, maybe that destroys the image of the perfect Starfleet offi—“

_“Anyway,”_ Commander Vantas said, more loudly than necessary, “this is the life sciences department. Please don’t break anything. I really don’t need to spend this trip keeping the research staff from killing you.”

“Message received, wise and powerful First Officer. I will not break anything, almost as though I’m a professional and my entire job involves dealing with fragile-ass shit. Amazing.”

Vantas’ eyelid twitched. Score.

“...Right.” He turned around and marched down the hall, presumably towards the geology department. Dave followed, hands in his pockets. This was going to be an entertaining month.

 

**Karkat: Ditch this freeloader. == >**

 

Well. He couldn’t just ditch him. He wasn’t going to _half ass_ this like some kind of second-rate officer. But eventually. Eventually Karkat was free to abandon this human at his quarters. People told Karkat he talked too much, but Dave? Those awful, gorgeous lips _never stopped flapping._ It didn’t even matter if Karkat was listening, oh no, he’d just keep going until someone interrupted him. It was taking every ounce of willpower in Karkat’s body not to toss himself out of an airlock and into the blissful, silent vacuum of space. Holy fuck.

“So then I was like, ‘no, dude, why would I have that specimen, what do I look like? The goddamn Smithsonian?’ And she realized it was in storage the entire time, which, fucking duh, I _said_ it was in storage, you know, where it _belongs—”_

“Dr. Strider.”

“—Which she would have known if she’d just checked, but noooo, clearly I had it, am I right? That’s the obvious solution, of course, of course, but anyway—“

Karkat inhaled sharply. _“Dave.”_

“Oh. Yeah?”

Fuck’s sake. “Your. Quarters. They are, to the wonder and amazement of us all, behind this door. If you’ll follow me.”

“Oh, sweet, I could totally take a load off. Home sweet cabin. Hope your Fleet decor can stand up to my discerning sensibilities. I catch a hint of mauve in the wallpaper and I break out in hives, it’s terrible. It’s a condition.”

Okay, he was actually decently funny while incessantly rambling— _no,_ Karkat refused to find this dude’s appealing qualities. What appealing qualities? There were none. He was an unfortunately hot, weird nerd and that’s it. The hotness wasn’t even appealing because of everything else. Negative appeal. Yes.

Karkat folded his hands behind his back and followed Dave into his new quarters. It was originally sparsely decorated, and was now cluttered with Dave’s shit. Some old-fashioned Earth musical technology was in the corner, and there was a frankly ungodly amount of clothing stacked neatly near the closet. Who needs that many clothes? Uniforms were clearly superior.

There was a lot of clutter, yes, thanks to the sheer volume of personal effects Dave had, but it was neat. Nothing less than Karkat would expect from his crew, even for such a ridiculously menial task. He had more than a sneaking suspicion that the neatness would not last.

Dave flopped face down onto the sleeping slat and let out a long sigh before rolling over. His legs were dangling off the side of the bed, and he was trying to toe his shoes off without looking at them. This man. Was a scientist. Karkat took a deep breath and did his level best to suppress the incredulous shitfit.

“These are pretty swanky digs, I’ll give you that,” Dave said, finally managing to kick off one shoe, “but there’s just...one little thing. One tiny thing. Microscopic. And yet vital.”

Oh boy. “What.”

“So I’ve got these, ah, jars? With some wet specimens in them. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s just so hard to get in the zone without my little parasitic worm buddy cheering me on. Or my Edosian suckerfish. Or my little gecko dude. Or my—”

“Stop. Please, for the love of fuck.” Karkat pinched the bridge of his nose. “You need. Jars of dead things. To work. Am I hearing you correctly? Have my auriculars spontaneously stopped being able to process English speech?”

“You’re hearing me loud and clear, my man. Gotta get in ‘the zone’ as it were. The literal bone zone.” Dave sat up slightly, kicking his other shoe off at long last, and gave Karkat his best shit-eating grin.

At this rate Karkat was going to die of a stress aneurysm before he hit fifteen sweeps. Now he knew why they’d emphasized keeping his temper in check during the briefing. This human was testing him.

“Why, is that gonna be a problem? They’re just down in the cargo bay, ain’t they?”

Karkat allowed himself to make a frustrated chittering noise, mostly because otherwise he was just going to explode. Dave didn’t know what it meant, probably, anyway.

“I’ll send someone down to bring them here right away, Dr. Strider.”

Dave made a thoughtful sound. He looked like he was biting back a smirk, or maybe like he had to shit. Karkat wasn’t especially interested in finding out.

“Well, see…they’re kind of fragile, and I’d just be so _devastated_ if Ensign Butterfingers fumbled my dear, sweet, precious, sweet, dear Wormy.”

Karkat sighed. Fine. Fine! If the Captain was upset, Strider could explain it to him his damn self.

“I will go bring your jars of dead shit up.”

Dave grinned. “Wow, thanks! The Fleet sure does know how to treat a lady.”

 

**John: Lend a sympathetic ear. == >**

 

“I’m a goddamn _first officer,_ Egbert, not someone’s fucking bellboy!”  
  
That was true! This was also pretty funny. Obviously it wasn’t, uh, good, but it wasn’t the worst thing ever. And if they kept Dave happy in his weird nerd cave, then his employers would _definitely_ want to partner with Starfleet, and the _Cloudburst_ would be trusted with better, more exciting missions. John put on his most sympathetic expression. He briefly considered putting a hand on Karkat’s arm, but as tempting as those muscles were, they probably weren’t at that point yet. And Alternians were weird about that kind of thing; he might think John was trying to horn in on the cuddles quadrant! Obviously he was just trying to be a good captain. Obviously.

“Well, at least there wasn’t anything else you needed to do then?”

Karkat growled. “It sets a _precedent_ when your first officer is running errands for someone who isn’t even a member of the Fleet, Captain. I am not going to broadcast to the crew that I’m some kind of _pushover.”_

Boy, Alternians sure were weird. But...he had a point, hm.

“I don’t think you’re a pushover, Karkat, and I don’t think the crew does either. But I will talk to Dave! He probably just needed those worm jars for something, what else could he ask us to do?”

Karkat sighed. “Alright, talk to him. If I have to keep putting up with his shit, I will mutiny on your ass, mark my fucking words.”  
  
John was pretty sure Karkat didn’t mean that. Pretty sure. Karkat was just a, um, emphatic dude. It was kind of refreshing! People tended to treat John differently when they found out he was related to Admiral Crocker, but Karkat was the same kind of belligerent to everyone. It meant John knew he could rely on Karkat to tell him when he thought John was fucking up. At length. And in great detail.

“I don’t know, maybe this is the start of a beautiful friendship. Don’t mutiny yet, at least let me mess up really bad first!”

A tiny, reluctant smile pulled on the corner of Karkat’s mouth.

“If I’m doing my job, Fuckbert, you won’t mess up in the first place.”

John grinned. “See, we’re going to be great friends! I will talk to Dave. I’m sure he just doesn’t realize how important your duties are. You make it look so easy, after all.”

 

**John: Talk to guest. == >**

 

“I dunno, man, it was absolutely vital I have these puppies.” Dave lifted a jar of...something that was definitely not a puppy, and gently shook it for emphasis. “It didn’t take him that long anyway, he only needed one trip to carry the whole box of shit. Your dude is stacked, did you know?”

John did notice. Many times. He and Dave definitely agreed on this front! But Karkat’s incredible muscles did not solve this problem, no matter how phenomenal they were.

“Well, see, Dave, on a starship we all have a job to do.”  
  
“No, shit?” He raised one eyebrow and put down his worm thing.

“I know, it is pretty crazy! But it’s true. And, uh, when Commander Vantas is on duty, it is pretty important that he’s able to do his job, since he’s my first officer and I need to rely on him.”

Dave nodded and made a thoughtful sound. “What about when he’s off duty? Or you, am I allowed to pester you when you’re off-duty?”  
  
John laughed and ran a hand through his hair. “You should definitely feel like you can talk to me whenever! If we’re off-duty we can probably help you with stuff you need, but try not to monopolize all of Karkat’s time. I don’t want to see how angry he gets if he isn’t allowed to relax, haha!”

“Easy enough, I’ll bother you both equally. I’m sure your crew is great and all, but I know that if I need something done right, I want _y’all_ to get it done, you dig?”  
  
“Well, while we’re on duty, my crew will have to manage your delicate needs.” John winked and Dave gave him a thumbs-up before returning to...fussing with his weird dead things collection. That didn’t seem like it was all that vital, but John wasn’t going to question the eccentricities of any given weird nerd. Growing up with Jade Harley as a relative taught him not to do that pretty quick!

“I’ll definitely only ask for you guys when it’s of _utmost importance.”_

 

**Future Karkat: get some much needed R &R. ==>**

 

_Sirvak purred, going limp under the warmth of the lowblood’s hands. This touch, so tender, pale like snow under the light of the moons, nearly made her swoon. No one had dared touch her like that before, and Anitah--this lowblood gazed into her eyes without a hint of fear._

_“I know you,” she said, her voice softer than the finest silks, stroking her thumb along the sharp ridge of Sirvak’s cheekbone. She--_

 

Karkat’s communicator beeped. “Ay, crabby, can you come down to my office right quick?”  
  
He bookmarked his novel and sighed. He’d read it before, yes, but this was right before the love interest’s teary confession! Could Dave not fucking wait five minutes?

“Is it life-threatening, Strider.”  
  
“I will die of, uh…misery, if you don’t come help me out?”

“No.”  
  
“Please?”  
  
“Definitely not.”  
  
“Pretty please with one of your nasty bugsnacks on top? And like, two pounds of whipped cream?”  
  
“I’d rather rip off my toenails and eat them, Strider,” Karkat said, but he was already getting up. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”

“Fuck yes. You’re my hero, Karkat. You deserve a fucking medal of honor, I swear.”

“Yeah, I’d love to have Command announce to the fucking universe that I’m the Fleet’s best handmaid. I fantasize about this every time I climb into my ‘coon, how _ever_ did you guess.”

After putting his book away, Karkat left his quarters and started walking the relatively short distance down to Dave’s office. At least he didn’t have to go to any other decks--he’d spend all his time jogging between his quarters and Dave’s, and be too irritable to wonder if Strider was flirting with him.

Because he might be flirting. Karkat was...maybe 30% convinced. Human customs were fucking _weird,_ and they didn’t usually do blackrom, but this guy. This guy seemed to know exactly what the fuck he was doing, and Karkat had caught Dave looking at him at least as many times as Dave had caught him doing the same.

He rang the door chime to Dave’s office, and stepped in when it slid open. Dave was reclining in his desk chair, feet up on the table, inspecting a hologram of some sort of alien fossil. After a moment, he glanced up at Karkat.

“Hey, ready to help a damsel in distress?”

Karkat raised one eyebrow. “That depends. I don’t see any damsels around here, and I don’t shell out my services for just _any_ distress.”

“You fucking wound me, man,” Dave said, affably. He set aside the PADD he was taking notes on and spun around in his chair to face Karkat. “I need you to help me move some furniture. This room has a certain, how do you say...the geometry is totally harshing my vibe, man. I gotta reorganize.”

Karkat crossed his arms. “How do you say...no? I’m sure you will find some way to overcome adversity and do your goddamn job. What the fuck is even wrong with the layout?”

“Uh,” Dave glanced around. The office itself was fairly sparse, in comparison to the ungodly clutter of his adjoining living quarters. There was a desk with a holoprojector, some maps of his future dig site displayed on the walls, a chair, and a few jars of preserved whatever-they-were. PADDS and loose papers were scattered around, and provided the majority of the clutter. He was obviously stalling to keep Karkat around, for whatever misguided reason he wanted him there.

“Uh, you should put my desk up against the far wall? So I have a more open floor plan and can like, sprawl dramatically and do my thinking. Every great scientist needs room to sprawl, Karkat, don’t you know anything?”

“Right, silly me, how could I have forgotten,” Karkat deadpanned. “Will that be all, doctor, or can I get back to enjoying what little leisure time I have?”

“Aw, what, you’re not gonna help me out at all? Just leave me by my lonesome?”

“So you can do whatever it is you do when you’re supposed to be working, yes. Amazing how that works.”

Dave briefly looked disappointed before his obnoxious poker face covered it up again. “Not even an inch?”

Karkat considered this. It had to be a black solicitation at this point, right? It _had_ to be. And as infuriating as the Captain was, he was also infuriatingly oblivious to every pitch overture Karkat had made. Not that he’d ever admit he was making them, if pressed. The point was, Dave got it and seemed to be flirting back. He’d interrupted Karkat’s precious leisure time to ask for help doing something he clearly didn’t want that badly. Human or no, that had to mean something. And Karkat had to respond in kind.

Karkat gave Dave his sweetest, toothiest smile. “Anything for a guest, Doctor.”

He gestured for Dave to step back and bent down to move the desk, keeping a careful eye on how far he pushed it. Aaaand ...there. That was approximately an inch, and no further. Dave’s eyebrows had shot up above his shades, but he didn’t otherwise acknowledge it.

“Enjoy your newfound sprawling space. I’m sure this geometry will be _infinitely_ more conducive to brainstorming.”

After a pause, Dave made a show of putting his hands on his hips and whistling. “Shit, I dunno what I’d do without you constantly coming to my rescue. This inch really makes the space work. You should have been an interior designer.”

Refusing to acknowledge he was frustrated at all. Classic pitch move. Karkat snorted and raised his eyebrows.

“Will that be all?”

“Should be until the next emergency. Get back to pacing angrily in your room, or whatever it is you do for fun.”

When Karkat got back to his quarters and settled back down with his book, he found himself almost wishing he’d spent longer with Dave. Ugh, it would be fine. He had three weeks left. That was more than enough time for a black fling, and it wasn’t like this was something that could _last._

 

**John: Slam dunk into the endzone. == >**

 

Dave had been asking John for days now if he wanted to play a match of hoverball. John wasn’t exactly huge on sports--his cousins preferred that sort of thing--but Dave had been asking for a while, now, and John finally had some real free time. Not playing at least one match would just be rude! And Karkat had their rudeness quota met and _then some._ Ugh. John was going to have to talk to him about that.

Maybe letting off steam with some hoverball was a good idea.

He changed into a more casual t-shirt and shorts, and met up with Dave in the holodeck. Dave wasn’t dressed up for sports at _all;_ he was wearing jeans. John raised his eyebrows but didn’t say anything. Polite. Polite was key. Maybe he had weird bony chicken legs and was super insecure about it.

“You ready to sports the fuck out of this?” Dave said, pushing up his sleeves. He was wearing a t-shirt, so it’s not like there was a lot to push up, but...okay.

Dave was cute as hell--er, what John _meant,_ what he actually noticed, is that he held himself like a fighter, bouncing on the balls of his heels. But he didn’t seem like a martial arts kind of dude? He definitely wasn’t super active _now,_ judging by his stick arms and slightly pudgy stomach, but hey! That made sense. He was a busy guy, out there...doing whatever it was they did with dinosaur bones. Looking at them really hard.

“I’m gonna kick your butt,” John replied.

“That’s the spirit. Get ready to eat my ion trail, motherfucker. Let’s see how the Fleet does hoverball.”

It didn’t take very long before John realized that Dave had...absolutely no idea what he was doing. In fairness, John wasn’t the best at hoverball either! But it didn’t take much to do better than Dave, and _Dave_ was the one who insisted they play it. ...Maybe he had a passion for the sport?

John entertained this notion until they were both panting with exertion, sweat staining the front of their shirts. Dave had pushed his shades up onto his head, where they somehow stayed put. The jeans didn’t seem to hinder Dave’s movement, and he was...weirdly agile, sure, but he didn’t get the rules _at all._ He was just as likely to send the ball careening off out of bounds as he was to score a point.

“Hey, Dave…” John leaned against the holodeck wall to catch his breath. “Is there, like, a reason you asked me to play hoverball with you? You just seem really new to it. Uh, no offense.”  
  
Dave put one hand on his hip and sighed. “...I realized that, uh, if I wanted to spend time with you, maybe asking y’all to do work for me during your leisure time was a little counterintuitive.”

John ran a hand through his hair (ew, sweaty) and laughed. “Haha, yeah, maybe. Commander Vantas probably got really mad at you.”  
  
“Eh, not so much?” He didn’t elaborate on that absolutely _fascinating_ little detail about Karkat, so John reluctantly decided not to press.

“Oh. So...why the hoverball?”

“Uh, you seem kind of like, up-and-at-em? The kind of guy who goes for a jog first thing in the morning and doesn’t get why that’s weird. I thought you’d have more fun than with the kind of shit I get up to.”

“It was fun! It was definitely fun. But I think I get enough exercise running around putting out fires here, haha. What kind of shit are you into?”

Dave glanced up and gave him a sort of cautious expression. Without the shades, he was a lot easier to read. It was nice!

“You want to come by my quarters and play some video games?”

John grinned. “I would love that.”

 

**Dave: Smoke John’s ass at Mario Kart 86. == >**

 

They’d both taken time to change out of their disgusting, sweaty clothes, but now. Captain John was here. In his quarters. Looking at his mess. While he wasn’t looking, Dave shoved a pile of loose clothes under the bed with his foot.

“So, uh, welcome to my abode.” Dave gestured to the (thankfully clean) couch for John to sit, and sank down into it as well. “I’d say what’s mine is yours, but technically this whole ship is yours, so…”

John laughed and drummed his hands on his legs. God, this was awkward. Dave was so awkward. This date--er, hangout was going terribly.

“So, what kind of games do you have?” John asked, glancing around the room.

“We could do Mario Kart? I’ve got that one. Most of my games are like, weird shit. Experimental stuff, parodies, art pieces, stuff that people probably made while on fun and exciting drugs, all of the above…”

“Okay, I get it, I get it.” John laughed and waved his hand. “I can’t stay long, so if you really want me to destroy you, we should start now.”

“I hate to burst your bubble, but it is I who will be doing the destroying, Captain,” Dave said, retrieving two controllers, “Computer, play Mario Kart 86.”

The computer pulled up a holographic game screen in front of them. John looked excited, like he hadn’t had the chance to play in a while. Shit, now that Dave thought about it he probably hadn’t. Who wants to play against their captain, and how much downtime can the dude really get? That meant he was probably really rusty, too. All the better for Dave to smoke him with.

Dave soon found out that John was absolutely fucking _ruthless._ Which, sure, okay, maybe that wasn’t the most shocking revelation of the century. That competitive captain spirit or whatever. But shit, seriously. He’d won three games in a row.

“You did _not_ just launch a blue shell at Waluigi.”

“I totally did just launch a blue shell at Waluigi, though,” John said, laughing. He glanced over at Dave and grinned.

“I’m _letting_ you win. Actually. Just so you know. I’m gracious like that.”

“Uh huh.” John made a show of rolling his eyes. He was...really cute, when he wasn’t on duty. He was cute in general, but shit, Dave wanted to see him smile like that all the time. It was nice, seeing him just being a guy, instead of a captain.

Of course, it couldn’t last. Duty calls or whatever. Soon enough, John’s communicator beeped, requesting his presence on the bridge. Dave sighed, quietly enough that John couldn’t hear.

“Sorry, I have to go.” John stood and straightened out his uniform, giving Dave an apologetic smile.

“Uh, no biggie, I’m sure it’s some super important space dust.” Dave got up and followed John to the door.

“Space dust is _super_ important, Dave.” John was standing in the threshold now. In just a few seconds he’d be off being Captain Egbert again. “Who knows what the dust has inside it?”

“Uh, dust, obviously.” Dave rubbed the back of his neck and looked up at John. God, he had pretty eyes. “Hey, so listen…”

“Yeah? Don’t take too long, I really do have to go.”

Fuck it. Steeling his nerves, Dave leaned in and kissed John, just a quick peck of lips. He smelled nice. Clean. Like spring breeze, or whatever the hell they named soaps like that.

When he pulled back, John was frozen in the threshold, eyes wide. Shit. Fuck. Was that not okay? Dave thought he’d been telegraphing his intent pretty fucking clearly, but, shit, obviously not clearly enough. Maybe he should have put on a steak costume and danced around like that in front of him.

“Fuck, uh, I am so sorry, if that wasn’t cool it definitely won’t happen again. I mean, I like you a lot but please don’t feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to, I am not that kind of unprofessional ass and I’m definitely not gonna hold it against you if you’re not into it.”

John unfroze all at once, holding his hands up. “Woah, woah, I didn’t say that! I was just surprised, is all. Didn’t see that one coming, haha. Not that I’m complaining!”

Dave raised one eyebrow. “So you’d be down for more kissing being a thing, then? Pencil it into our schedules or whatever. I’m down if you’re down, for the record, just in case that was a thing that was in question.”

John waggled his eyebrows, a shit-eating grin on his face. “You said you liked me, what’s next, a marriage proposal? But, uh, yes! We can definitely pencil some kissing into the schedule.”

Sweet. Dave made a valiant effort not to look as excited as he felt, and restrained himself to a nod instead of pumping his fist in the air like a tool with feelings. Keeping the smile from showing on his face was harder.

And then, because the universe was a stone-cold bitch who gave no fucks, John’s communicator beeped again.

“I can’t believe you did that when I can’t get you back.” John gave him a Very Serious Look. “I’m gonna see you tomorrow as soon as my shift ends, and then I’m gonna smooch the fuck out of you. That is a promise.”

“Ooh, Captain, ooh.” Dave leaned against the doorframe to watch as John rushed off to whatever emergency needed his attentions. His ass was _fantastic,_ it was definitely a decent consolation prize to watch him go. The uniforms seriously had to have some kind of secret ass-lifting technology. It was glorious. Dave decided Starfleet should just use pictures of his butt for recruitment.

Or, shit. Karkat’s butt. Both of them. John was tall and lankier, whereas Karkat was a stocky, pint-sized brick shithouse. Both of their asses had different, equally admirable qualities. Starfleet should use both of them as posterbutts for maximum crowd appeal.

Now that Dave was thinking about Karkat, he realized he had a bit of a dilemma. Fuck. There was no way this could work, right? But he liked Karkat too; he wasn’t just a great ass attached to a belligerent fuckbag, he was funny and smart and snarky and--fuck.

Dave slumped back onto his couch and pinched the bridge of his nose. It. Was fine. He had, like, three weeks left on the ship anyway. It wasn’t like they were actual candidates for a _relationship._ This was a fling. It wasn’t serious. If he wanted to have more than one fling, it’s not like anyone involved would really care, right? And if they did, he’d never see them again, anyway. He wasn’t going to pine like some kind of cliche romance lead.

Trolls did that weird quadrant thing, too, right? The thought of black romance made Dave’s stomach flipflop in weird and unpleasant ways, but...it was fine. It was a hypothetical anyway. Karkat probably wasn’t even _interested._ What was Dave doing getting worked up over this? It didn’t matter. It was stupid. He was stupid. He had a space booty call with a hot captain who he wanted to climb like a fucking tree, he was en route to the job of a lifetime, why the fuck was he freaking out over this kind of bullshit? It was nothing.

Dave needed to distract himself. The paperwork was easily the worst part of his job, but it needed to be done and right now seemed like the _perfect_ time to bury himself under a mile of red tape. Couldn’t think when he was sifting through an endless ocean of bureaucracy. Brain: hacked.

 

**John: Handle emergency. == >**

 

So two of his officers were fighting. Apparently! And now John had to discipline them for bringing personal disputes into their duties. Which was, just...ugh. He wanted to say it was fine, he really did, but interpersonal stuff was really, really not John’s strong suit. Mostly he tried not to think about that sort of stuff. But he couldn’t just _not think about it_ when it was his crew!

He put on his best Imposing Captain Face and stepped out of the turbolift onto the bridge. Karkat had the officers in question waiting for him, looking sheepish.

“My ready room, now.” John walked briskly into aforementioned ready room, both of the officers and Karkat following behind him. That sounded super authoritative, yes! He could do this. He could definitely do this.

Once everyone filed into the ready room, John tried on his sternest expression. He had a feeling it didn’t even come close to Karkat’s perma-scowl, but hey! Could _anything_ rival Karkat’s perma-scowl? John didn’t fucking think so.

“So, tell me what happened?”

The two officers started talking over each other in rapid-fire, interrupting and contradicting each other so much that John could hardly follow what the story was, let _alone_ who was in the right. It was boggling.

“Okay, take it from the top? This time maybe without all the interrupting.”

Attempt two didn’t look to be faring any better, and it definitely wasn’t helping clarify what the fuck the issue was. It was bad enough that a few seconds in, Karkat stepped forward, holding up a hand for both officers to stop talking.

“Captain, if I may?”

John gave him a skeptical look, but shit, things couldn’t really get _worse,_ right? It’s not like John knew how to fix this, aside from assigning them to different shifts. And that wasn’t exactly a solution--that would just upset everyone he was moving around, and the adjustment between shifts was always a pain. That was last resort kind of stuff!

John nodded and stepped back while Karkat did...whatever he was going to do.

“Look.” Karkat folded his arms behind his back and paced in front of the officers, every bit the picture of a commanding officer. “You’re both fucking professionals, aren’t you?”

There was a pause. Karkat cleared his throat, letting some of those spooky Alternian subvocal noises bleed into it.

“Yes.”

“And you knew what was expected of you when you took these positions, did you not?”

“Yes.”  
  
“So, tell me! Why the _fuck_ are you letting your petty personal horseshit interfere with the function of this ship? You know how we got to be commanding officers? Not by gossiping and squabbling when we’re supposed to be working, that’s for damn sure. I don’t care if you’re mortal enemies, as long as that shit stays in your off-duty hours. Understand?”

Holy shit! The officers nodded, neither of them making eye contact with John or Karkat. After a long, awkward moment, Karkat sighed and put his hands on his hips.

“Look, I get it.” His voice was...surprisingly gentle all of the sudden, if raspy from all that yelling. “This is probably your first mission or near enough, right? And it’s hard, when you’re on a ship like this and can’t get away from people, even when they make you want to gouge your eyeballs out with a wooden spoon. I get it.”

John was taking mental notes. This was the last thing he expected, but shit, it was working! Who knew that Karkat was secretly a people person?

“But this isn’t going to be the first--or the last time--you’re assigned to work with someone you can’t fucking stand. You need to learn how to work it out on your own time, and to leave it outside when you’re on duty. It’s okay to disagree. It’s okay if getting your space legs takes time. But if I hear you’ve gotten into another fight again, I won’t be so easy on you. Understood?”

After they nodded, Karkat turned to John and raised his eyebrows.

“Captain?”

Shit! Uh, shit, yeah, he definitely needed to wrap this up with something inspiring and clever, and not give the impression that Karkat had to fight all his battles.

“Yes! Yes. We’re not unforgiving. We’re here to help, but you need to make an effort to get along. If it’s enough of an issue, you can talk to the counselor, otherwise we’ll inform Command and have you reassigned.”

The officers nodded again. Wow. That was so much easier than John had expected, once Karkat lent a hand.

“Dismissed.”

Once the officers filed out, John caught Karkat’s shoulder.

“Hey. How’d you manage that?”

Karkat turned to face him, crossing his arms and raising one eyebrow. “Manage what, Captain? Not being a swollen hemorrhoid on the Fleet’s ass for thirty seconds?”

“Well, I wouldn’t put it like _that…”_ John trailed off, waving a hand in a vague gesture. “More like, uh, you have hidden depths? It is like a whole ocean of secret Karkat lore down there!”

Karkat snorted. “Not really. I’ve had a lot of practice convincing people to pull their heads out of their asses and stop being idiots. It’s easy once you fuck up enough times to figure it out. I don’t think they’ll be starting any more shit, but I’ll have security let you know if they do.”

John rubbed the back of his neck. “I just mean to say, you handled that really well! I don’t know if you noticed, but I wasn’t sure where to even start with that.”

“No shit.” Karkat grinned at him, just a flash of white teeth. “That’s what I’m here for, dumbdumb.”

“Right! Right. Totally. Well, uh, that’ll be all, so...dismissed?”

Karkat nodded and left John in the ready room all by his lonesome. That was...really weird. But in a good way? John hadn’t expected it, but seeing Karkat soften up like that was making him feel some kind of way. He could have just barreled on with the pissy hardass thing, and the officers probably would have been scared of him, but they would have stopped all the same. That’s not what he did, though. Karkat was...almost gentle, which wasn’t a word John thought he knew.

It was really admirable! John _knew_ he’d picked the right officer for the job. The way his heart was flopping around in his chest was just excitement over their budding friendship. Yeah.

 

**Karkat: Advance Starfleet-civilian working relationships. == >**

 

Karkat was a man on a fucking mission. Dave had been relentlessly flirting with him for entirely too fucking long, and Karkat was _not_ the kind of troll to pine over someone. Anymore. No matter what Kanaya said about it.

So he was going to march right the fuck into Dave’s office, sweep him off his obnoxious feet, and show him how kismessitude was done _right._ It would be fucking glorious. They would sing songs about their rivalry. Whoever the fuck ‘they’ were.

Karkat stepped into Dave’s office, finding him hunched over at his desk, filling out what looked like forms on his PADD. Typical. He couldn’t even sit without slouching like a tool.

“Strider.”

Dave sat up sharply, glancing over at Karkat. His hair was mussed and his sunglasses were pushed up onto his forehead, revealing some startlingly heavy bags under his eyes. Shit. What had him so stressed? Maybe he should--no. No. Karkat was _not_ going to vacillate on him like he did with every fucking other potential quadrantmate he’d had. It wasn’t even going to be a proper _quadrant,_ not on this timeframe, he could at least stick to _one_ shade instead of playing fucking foursquare with their feelings. Fucking hell.

Besides, if he managed to hold a stable spade with Dave, that left his flush open for John. And John was infuriating, yes, and Karkat had initially been convinced they were a fated rivalry, but. But he was a good captain, was the thing. As annoying as John was, it was _way_ more likely Karkat could flip flushed for him and stay that way. All Karkat had to do was control his feelings completely. No problem.

“Yeah?” Dave asked. Fuck, he sounded tired. Karkat stomped on his budding conciliatory feelings; he wasn’t going to flip because Dave was _sleepy._ That was fucking ridiculous.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

Dave raised his eyebrows. “Is this the sexy Fleet booty call the pornos warned me about?”

Karkat spluttered. Did he have to phrase it like _that?_ It was already debasing enough, thank you very fucking much! He ran a hand through his hair and cleared his throat, steeling his nerves. He was Karkat Fucking Vantas, Commander and First Officer on the Starship _Cloudburst._ Some annoying, hot weirdo couldn’t get the best of him.

“You don’t have to be disgusting about it, shit.”

“Wait.” Dave held up a hand, giving Karkat a bewildered expression. “This is actually a booty call?”

“Stop calling it that!” Karkat crossed his arms and fixed Dave with his best glare. At least vacillation wasn’t a problem anymore; he _knew_ he couldn’t actually flip flushed for someone like Dave. “Why would I joke about that?”

“I don’t know! Because you’re a wild and crazy guy and I have no idea why you’d actually like me?”

“You’re _infuriating.”_

“That’s hot?”

Karkat sighed. “That’s hot.”

Dave made a thoughtful sound. “I, uh, can work with that, I guess. I’ve wanted to touch your biceps since I got on this fucking ship, not gonna lie. It’s like, are you smuggling puppies under your uniform? Only, uh...more subtle than puppies, not tumor-lumps under your clothes, er. Um, one hundred percent Alternian beef? Only you’re bug people, so like, bug beef. God. I am so fucking tired, I’m off my comparison game, you’ll have to get a raincheck for some of my top-notch word-paintings.”

“I would do literally anything to never hear another ‘word painting’ again.” Which..alright, time to put his caegars where his mouth was. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

“Wow, swoon.”

Ugh, he even _flirted_ obnoxiously. He was perfect. They were so clearly destined to be kismeses. Karkat stepped towards him and Dave rose to his feet, meeting him in the middle for a perfect, passionate black kiss. Dave’s fingers tangled in his hair, Karkat’s hands slid lower on Dave’s waist, Dave groaned into his mouth, Karkat bit his lips--

And then...Dave pulled away? What the fuck?

“Hey man, ease up. Save the mouth mauling for the second date,” he said, “I am but a delicate maiden and I need to be romanced tenderly.”

Karkat huffed. Humans were so fucking fragile. “Fine.”

“Or a skittish deer you have to lure into your trap--mph.”

At least kissing him silent was fair game. Without more traditionally black kissing techniques available to him, Karkat was forced to focus on other things. Like the way Dave sighed under his breath when Karkat sucked his bottom lip, and the quiet pleased noises he made when Karkat finally grabbed a firm handful of ass. He was still exhausted; Karkat could feel it in the way Dave leaned heavily against him. It was making something disturbingly close to pity well up in Karkat’s thoracic cavity. This was it. No more dodging it, no more trying to convince himself otherwise.

He was flushed for Dave.

It was fine, actually. More than fine. John was a much better spades match for Karkat than Dave was. He’d been deluding himself by trying to convince himself he was flushed for John. Clearly this was how things were supposed to work out; John would be _such_ a good rival.

...And, yeah, maybe Karkat was vacillating. So what? As long as neither of them were in the same quadrant at the same time it would be fine. Easy enough.

“Hey,” Dave breathed, resting his forehead against Karkat’s, “I wanna keep the smooch train going, but need to be not standing up right now immediately.”

Karkat leaned back and raised one eyebrow. “Your desk?”

“If you push my shit off my desk so we can bump ‘n grind on it, my boss will kill me, and then my ghost will kill _you,”_ Dave said cheerfully. He inclined his head towards the far door. “My quarters, bro.”

Karkat was seriously just considering tucking Dave in as soon as he got the chance, and reading a novel on his PADD until his shift started, but either way he followed Dave.

 

**John: Initiate quality bonding time with first officer. == >**

 

It’d been almost a week since John had really had the chance to talk to Karkat one-on-one. There were the senior officer briefings, sure, but those were different! The rest of the senior staff was there, for one, and for another it was all business.

Not that this wasn’t going to be business! It was important to hear what his first officer thought about management on the ship, if any changes needed to be made, discuss current plans, that sort of thing! That was all the meeting was going to be.

The door to John’s quarters chimed. He looked up, setting aside what he’d been working on. There wasn’t any reason to be nervous, but his palms were sweating anyway. Eurgh.

“Come in!”

Karkat nodded at him when the door slid open, and took the seat opposite John’s.

“You wanted to see me?”

“Er, yeah.” John drummed his fingers on his desk. “So...how are things? General status report, all that.”

Karkat gave him a quizzical look. “I gave you a status report this morning, like I do every morning, Captain. If there was anything pressing enough to warrant an update, I’d have told you.”

Right. Right. Duh, obviously, Karkat was a really good officer, super meticulous. To the point of it being kind of ridiculous sometimes! What was John thinking?

“Oh, yeah, no, of course! Uh, so how about that faulty replicator in the mess hall, how is that doing?”

Karkat narrowed his eyes. “Engineering repaired it a few hours ago, Captain. It was a minor malfunction, same as it was when I told you they’d repaired it. What did you _really_ call me in here for, John?”

“Uh.” Uh. Shit. “I...don’t know?”

Karkat’s expression remained thoroughly unamused. “You don’t know. You sat down at your desk, thought about calling me here, _actually did so,_ and it’s only _now_ you realize that you need a reason to call a meeting with your senior staff?! Did you get this promotion by blowing everyone at Command out of the water with your incredible displays of bumbling idiocy?”

“Hey!” John made a face. “I don’t know, okay? I have just been thinking about you a lot, more than I probably should be. And I thought if I called you up here and talked to you about work stuff, that maybe I would figure out why you have been on my mind so much? Jeez.”

“Oh.” Karkat cleared his throat, glancing around the room. “Feel free to punch me in the throat and-or put my ass in the brig for the duration of this mission if I’m wrong, but can I try something here?”

...What? What was he going to try? John furrowed his brow; this was pretty confusing! But he did trust Karkat. After a moment, he nodded.

Karkat stood and leaned over the desk, reaching forward to cup John’s chin in his hands. John could feel the tips of his clawtips against his skin, poking just slightly. It was weird, but definitely not unpleasant.

And then...Karkat leaned in even further...and kissed him. For a moment, John was shocked still. He hadn’t seen that coming. How had he not seen that coming?

After a moment to process this new turn of events, John realized he didn’t mind it at all. He set into motion before Karkat could pull away, one hand coming up to rest on the back of his head. (Was it okay to touch his horns?)

Karkat was hot--not just nice to look at, but actually hot to the touch. Something about his mutation and a whole host of troll biological things John didn’t understand made him run a couple degrees warmer than humans, and it was more noticeable now than ever. He tasted alien, too, almost...peppery? Spicy and a little weird in ways John couldn’t quite place. It was nice, though, and nothing at all like kissing Dave--

Dave! Fuck! John pulled back suddenly, leaving Karkat bent awkwardly over his desk and looking far from pleased about it.

“What.”

“Sorry! I, um, I did like it.”

Karkat dropped back into his chair and raised one eyebrow. “Okay, so what the fuck was the problem? Or is this just how you treat all potential quadrantmates that put moves on you?”

John snorted. “No. Uh. I just-I mean, er...Dave.”

“Dave.”

“We might be sort of dating? We definitely kissed.”

Karkat’s eyes widened. He sat there for a few seconds, not saying anything, just...looking at John like he’d murdered his, what was the word, his lusus?

“You and Dave? As in Dave _Strider?_ As in the little shit we’re ferrying to the latest dirtball he’s going to fuck around on? That Dave?”

“Yes?”

Karkat sighed heavily and buried his head in his hands. Jeez, was he really taking rejection hard! It was kind of weird, actually. Karkat was a sensitive guy on the inside, sure, but he also seemed way more like the kind of guy to go to his quarters and cry into a pint of ice cream, not this.

After what seemed like ages, he sat up again.

“Dave and I definitely kissed too. And would you look at that, so have you and I! The triangle of stupidity is complete and I can finally die happy.” Karkat ran a hand through his hair and gave John a firm look. “We all need to have a talk.”


	2. Step two: Failed step one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 84 years...  
> But yes! Sorry for the delay, here is the THRILLING CONCLUSION.

**Dave: Have...an intervention? == >**

 

“Okay! Shut the fuck up and listen.” Karkat clapped his hands together.

He’d gathered the three of them in John’s ready room for something he called “a vital interpersonal meeting.” Which was kind of hilarious, actually, given Starfleet’s whole chain of command thing; calling a meeting in your superior’s office had to be a major faux pas. Maybe he got away with it thanks to all that Alternian charm that definitely, absolutely, for-real existed? Or maybe he bent over to pick something up in a carefully-staged location--okay, that one was probably just Dave’s fantasies running wild. Karkat would probably give himself a hernia if he tried to use his, er, _ass_ ets like that. He probably just said “we’re having a meeting” and expected Dave and John to nod and go along with it. Which is...exactly what they did.

“My listening ears are on, man, I’ve been ready for this meeting since I walked in. You’re the one getting all constipated about your emotional whatevers.” Dave was, if he was being completely honest, more than a little anxious about whatever the meeting was about. But hell if Karkat was ever going to find that out.

“Yeah, Karkat, you seem pretty worked up!”

Karkat inhaled deeply and clenched his fists. It looked like he was literally counting down from ten, holy fuck. After a moment of this, he sighed explosively. The dam burst.

“Well, no shit I’m worked up!” He rolled his eyes, his whole head tossing with the movement. Dude was so expressive any theater company would call him out for overacting, it was kind of amazing. “We’ve all been playing tonsil hockey with each other, in various pairings, for days now! And I only just found this out! So _forgive me_ for being a little agitated when we have got a quadrant clusterfuck of monumental proportions on our hands. But no. Clearly _I’m_ the one acting crazy, sure.”

“...Wait, what?” Did Dave’s ears suddenly stop working? He glanced between John and Karkat. “So you two have been getting frisky? _How?_ Not, uh, not that I’m asking for the sordid deets, I’m pretty clearly just the sexy threesome addition here, but like. How do you even manage to have the _time_ when you’re both also seducing me?”

He really shouldn’t have been as…not upset, he didn’t get upset, he was cool as a cucumber, but uh. He shouldn’t be surprised that John and Karkat were hooking up. Of course they were, they worked together, they weren’t going to leave in a few weeks. They could afford to get invested. Dave was just some booty call.

“You’re not a _threesome addition,_ you goddamn imbecile.” Karkat scowled at him. “John and I have barely done anything, because I kissed him and he went ‘hurr durr I’m John and I don’t know how to kiss people without running my mouth in the middle of it’ and--”

“Hey! I had a completely valid concern, it’s not _my_ fault you got blue balls!”

Dave snickered. “I dunno that trolls _have_ balls, dude.”   
  
“Blue whatever you have! You don’t seriously think it would have been better if I had waited to tell you until _after,_ right?”

Karkat spluttered. Rantus interruptus was a beautiful thing to behold. If it wouldn’t have kicked off another one, Dave would have fist bumped John right then and there.

“Okay! Fine! Anyway! We need to figure out exactly what fucking quadrants are going where in this trainwreck, because otherwise I _will_ have a stroke and it _will_ be your faults.”

“Jeez, Karkat, okay.” John held up his hands in a placating gesture. “I think you need to calm down.”

“ _Don’t tell me to calm down when we’re discussing concupiscent relations, you fucking deviant!”_

Dave blinked. Hoooly shit. “Okay, dude, what foursquare symbols are we being assigned. There’s no need to have a stroke yet, breathe or whatever.”

Karkat’s face scrunched up like he was going to yell again before he abruptly relaxed, slumping into the nearest available chair and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Okay. Yeah, okay. Fine. I’m calm. I don’t _know_ what quadrants we fall into, that’s the whole fucking problem. I thought maybe I was spades for Dave and flushed for John, but then you,” he pointed at Dave, “had to go being stupidly pitiful, and John’s always kind of obnoxious anyway, so I thought... I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. That I could just vacillate like an asshole while you waited around for me, I guess. And now _you’ve_ both got a thing.”

“Just because Dave and I have a thing doesn’t mean you and I can’t have a thing, Karkat,” John said eventually. He sounded a little hesitant. Dave couldn’t blame him; troll romance was a foreign concept to both of them, and it was more than a little hard to wrap his head around. Add three people to the mix and it quickly became a clusterfuck of monumental proportions.

“We can’t have the same _kind_ of thing as someone else, though!” Karkat’s tone had gone rapidly from frustrated to almost plaintive. Shit, Dave kinda felt bad for the guy. “You can’t--we don’t--it doesn’t _work_ like that. There’s only two concupiscent quadrants, and we can’t exactly just fucking double up in one, and-- unless you’re _not_ concupiscent. Are you two doing some bizarre human equivalent of moirallegiance?”

Dave gave John a sidelong look and shrugged. “That’s...the bro cuddles quadrant, right?”

Karkat rolled his eyes and chittered under his breath. He did that a lot when Dave asked those kind of questions, actually. He was starting to suspect it was trollspeak for ‘oh my god, you fucking moron.’

“Sure, if you want to be disgustingly reductive and culturally insensitive about it. It’s the bro cuddles quadrant.”

“Well…” John made a thoughtful sound. “I definitely want to cuddle Dave, but I am pretty sure I want to cuddle you too, and I _definitely_ want to do other things than cuddling. To both of you.”

“Well, _I’m_ not pale for either of you!” Karkat gestured at the both of them as though this was somehow self-evident. Hell, to troll culture it probably was. Dave was just an ignorant mammal or whatever.

“So?” He asked. As soon as the question was out of his mouth, he knew that was going to gear Karkat up into another tantrum over something Dave didn’t understand. It was like shouting at a mountain when there was a clearly-displayed ‘avalanche warning’ sign. Or, uh, something like that.

“So there’s not enough concupiscent quadrants for all of us! I thought maybe it would be okay if it was just me vacillating all over you both like an asshole, but you’re--you know, and I’m not going to make you _choose,_ but it’s not like _I_ can just pick one of you. So in this scenario you’re _obviously_ going to pick each other, because I mean, why wouldn’t you, at least you’re both the same _species--”_

“Karkat.” John chewed on the inside of his lip. “We...maybe don’t _have_ to do quadrants? I don’t see why we can’t just...all date?”

Silence. There was a beat where the three of them glanced around at each other, trying to assess the merit of this idea.

Slowly, Dave said, “Yeah, it doesn’t have to be anything. Like, anything-anything. I’m only gonna be here for a few more weeks, right? So what if we just...like, did whatever felt good until then and didn’t worry about it?”

The tension seemed to ooze out of the room as they all realized that they didn’t have to overthink it. They didn’t have to think about it at _all,_ even, because _it_ wasn’t even a thing. Didn’t have to be. They could just have some sort of casual fling. And then Dave would go to his dig site and probably never see either of them again and it would be fine. How attached could you get to someone in a month, really?

“I guess maybe that could work,” Karkat said thoughtfully. He relaxed in increments, running his hands through his hair and slowly sinking lower into his seat. “I mean. You’re right. A couple weeks is barely enough for a whirlwind romance, let alone actually _dating,_ why the fuck should we worry about it? Right?”

Dave nodded. “Hell yeah. No reason to freak out over what’s basically an extended booty call.”

John looked between the two, brow furrowed, before shrugging. “I guess I don’t see why not? I am in favor of keeping things light and breezy.”

“Sweet.” Dave tried on a tentative smile as he glanced between the both of them. “So, uh, how do you guys feel about trying to figure out how three-person makeouts work? Should we take turns?”

John and Karkat’s slow, amused smiles made his heart do some kind of rumba in his chest. It was probably just horniness.

“I don’t know about _three_ person makeouts,” Karkat said, “but I’d love to see a demonstration of how humans do it. You know, for academic purposes. See how much biting is appropriate and shit.”

Definitely horniness, Dave decided, as John looked at him and waggled his eyebrows.

 

**Narrator: Initiate obligatory montage. == >**

 

The next few weeks didn’t pass in a _blur,_ really. But even without worrying about a formal relationship, it turned out there was a lot of effort that went into scheduling three people. Particularly when those three people were already busy with daily life on a starship. Half the time, they were all too tired to actually do much more than flop down on someone’s couch and try not to fall asleep. It didn’t matter how much they made bedroom eyes at each other, or how much Dave whispered filthy nonsense at them in passing. Nothing could beat the allure of a good nap.

It was still nice, though. Dave would never admit it, but there was nothing quite like getting to use Karkat’s glorious fucking pecs as a pillow. He had a little chub over all the muscle, and sometimes he would purr quietly and absently pet Dave’s hair. It was cozy as shit. John preferred to sprawl on top of both of them whenever possible, because of course he did. He wasn’t quite at Karkat’s level of brick shithouse-ness, but the dude was no delicate flower. And, yeah, okay, so Dave was maybe a little too scrawny for that to be comfortable, and maybe Karkat wasn’t a fan of being on the bottom of a not-insignificant dudestack. But it was still...kind of nice, to have someone making it so clear he wanted to be around them, at least in Dave’s mind.

All in all, things were good! They were really good. Dave couldn’t help but keep track of the days until they arrived, but that was probably unrelated. The weird sense of dread was almost certainly just because he’d have to knuckle down and get back to work. He loved his job, he really did, but this had been sort of like an extended vacation. That was probably what had him frowning and thinking of ways to stall whenever he checked the stardate. What else would it have been, anyway? They all knew what they were getting into when they agreed to this...not-relationship. Even _if_ Dave wanted something more serious, which he didn’t, the other two definitely wouldn’t.

 

* * *

 

Dates weren’t much of a thing when they weren’t actually dating. At least, not the kind of dates Karkat usually imagined. There were no gondola outings on the holodeck, no candlelit dinners in his quarters. He would have been lying if he said he didn’t miss it, but that didn’t mean there was _nothing_ going for this arrangement. Keeping it casual was...kind of fun, in a way. There was at least something to be said for the times the three of them spent together, just enjoying each other’s presence. Playing video games or watching movies or simply sitting together at meals was definitely enjoyable. They didn’t get the chance to do those things nearly as often as he’d like, but it was good when they did. John and Dave had taken to over-the-top complaining about Alternian cuisine, staunchly refusing to try any of it. They all roasted each other mercilessly over their taste in movies (or lack thereof; Dave and John had no appreciation for a good romance). This arrangement wasn’t something Karkat had ever tried before, and he found he was enjoying it more than he’d thought.

Some part of him still couldn’t help but wish they had time to take things slow and really romance each other, but—no. That was Idiot Karkat talking. Idiot Karkat was a starry-eyed romantic idealist who thought he was going to human-style marry every fling. Idiot Karkat had no idea what the fuck the real world was like, and as such he didn’t get a say in these kinds of matters. Or any matters. This arrangement was what worked best for all of them; no juggling quadrants, no keeping in contact after this mission, no strings attached. And really, who would want to put up with the insane schedules of not one but _two_ Fleet boyfriends? It was ludicrous. Karkat wouldn’t put up with that shit, he certainly wasn’t going to expect _Dave_ to.

 

* * *

 

John wasn’t exactly the most experienced guy out there, when it came to dating people. He’d just never had time for it! There was so much studying to do in the Academy, and then he’d been trying so hard to get promoted to Captain...romance had seemed like pretty small potatoes in comparison. So he didn’t have a ton of experience with dating, and definitely not with this dating-but-not thing that Dave had suggested. But it was working out pretty well so far? It definitely solved the Karkat-panicking problem, anyway. And they were able to do a lot of things that they’d do if they were dating, too! Just not the ones that required more than the bare minimum of logistics. Which was fine, probably, really; John was pretty burnt out on logistics with all the captaining he had to do, anyway. Light and breezy was the way to go.

He didn’t really have enough spare energy to worry too much about that kind of thing, besides. It was easier and better for everyone if he just focused on other matters. There was so much to do on a starship! Even if their mission wasn’t exactly difficult. They had all that space dust to look at. John had to make sure he was keeping up to date on that and all the other goings on, see, and that meant he couldn’t waste time sitting there worrying about whether or not this arrangement was working out. It would be fine. And if it wasn’t, so what? He’d been perfectly happy before all this and he’d be perfectly happy after. He and Karkat were grown-ups, they could be professional and work together after a fling, probably. Or else they’d really be hypocrites for scolding those ensigns, ha ha. And Dave...Dave was nice! But he’d made it pretty clear he had no intention of keeping contact after this mission was over, so there weren’t any hurt feelings there to even worry about. Not thinking about it was definitely the best course of action.

 

**Dave: Stop the montage. Freeze frame. == >**

 

It was his second-to-last full day in space. He’d be leaving sometime in the afternoon the day after next, depending on when exactly the _Cloudburst_ arrived. And--yeah, okay, Dave had known this deadline was approaching, but it was so much harder to ignore when it was right around the corner like this. Tomorrow was the last day he’d get to spend with John and Karkat. Not to sound like one of those ridiculous cliche inspirational posters, but...carpe diem or whatever. Dave wanted to make the most of this shit. Have some good times to remember them by. Or something.

Also, like. Okay. Okay. For what was supposed to be an extended booty call, there hadn’t actually been a whole lot of _booty_ involved. They’d gotten handsy while hanging out, sure. They’d gotten handsy a _lot,_ if Dave was going to be completely fucking honest, but he really wanted to at least see them naked before he fucked off into the space boonies forever. Sue him. Was it so wrong to want to fill the spank bank’s vaults? Assuming they both wanted to, anyway. So all he had to do was ask. Easy.

They were in John’s quarters, all three of them sprawled across his bed. Dave kind of wished the they’d had more chances to hang out like this, without somebody having to run off to do something in the middle. But there was no sense moping about it now, right? He just had to take advantage of the time they _did_ have left, all three of them together. He had to...put on the moves. Bust out the seduction. Get a rose between his teeth and deploy his best come-hither expression. Yes.

“Soo…” he said, propping himself up on one elbow. “I was thinking…”

“Oh, of course,” Karkat grumbled, marking his place in his book and setting it aside, “I knew I smelled something burning.”

 _“I was thinking,”_ Dave said, louder, and ignored John’s laughter. “That we should consummate this thing. Just, you know, uh, put the capstone on this bad boy and give ourselves all a hearty pat on the back. And also on the dick. Or, okay, preferably not just patting, more like sort of a jerking motion really, I’m sure you’re all familiar with it, but. Anyway! The point is, we’re already on a bed, and what better way to bid each other farewell, right? Am I right?”

John and Karkat looked at each other. The bafflement was really not doing things for Dave’s ego.

“Are you...asking to have sex?” John asked eventually.

“Badly.” Karkat deadpanned.

Dave’s cheeks were burning. Man, this seduction thing was way fucking harder than it looked. How anyone managed to get laid ever, he would never know.

“I mean, I might be, a little bit, but only if you guys are cool with it, because I’m definitely not asking otherwise.” He cleared his throat. “But, like, listen, okay. Listen! I’m gonna be in the middle of buttfuck nowhere in two days, alright, and there’s gonna be nobody but me and my colleagues around. And I mean, they’re nice people, love ‘em. But I’m not _into_ my _colleagues._ Not that I’m judging! You two got a good thing going, no shade, no shade. I just mean you guys are really hot and it would be kind of fucking awesome to maybe touch a butt before I go play in the dirt, and--”

Karkat held up a hand to stop him, clearly trying not to laugh. “Dave, holy fucking shit. It’s fine. Seriously. If I wasn’t interested I would have made that _very fucking apparent_ by now, trust me. I’m not opposed to giving you a, uh, proper Starfleet sendoff.”

“That is so _not_ a proper Starfleet sendoff, dude.” John didn’t even pretend to hide his amusement, eyes scrunching up in a grin. “But, yeah, wow. You have seduced me with your smooth and suave wordplay and now I am ready to touch your butt. Wink.”

“Oh, man, don’t say wink out loud, I have negative boners now.” Dave groaned, but he was snickering now, too.

Karkat looked at him, squinting slightly. There was a beat where nobody moved, and then he shifted forward and cupped Dave’s chin. The tips of his claws prickled a little bit. Karkat leaned in, those red, red eyes almost seeming to burn in the low light of the room. Oh, so that was why they called it a smoulder.

“Just for future reference,” he said, his tone obnoxiously smug, _“this_ is how you seduce someone, you fucking troglodyte.”

“Wow, hot, call me a pissant next--mmf.”

One thing was for sure; Dave was definitely going to miss kissing Karkat. Dude sucked face like he was trying to prove a point, and the point was that he was great at it. He nipped Dave’s bottom lip, careful with his pointy teeth, and made this rumbly-chattery noise in his throat when Dave gasped.

“Hey, don’t forget about me.” John settled down behind Dave and kissed his neck.

He set right to work leaving a trail of hickeys, making Dave blurt embarrassing noises into Karkat’s mouth. Karkat, in contrast, was taking his sweet fucking time. He was being unfairly smug about it, too; that shit wouldn’t do. Dave reached up, on a hunch, and ran his thumb along the flesh around the base of Karkat’s horns.

 _Score._ Karkat groaned and panted heavily into Dave’s mouth, grumbling something in Alternian. He only busted out the alien swears when shit was really getting to him, hell yeah.

“Dude.” John detached himself from Dave’s neck and snickered. “Do you have head nipples?”

Karkat pulled away--noo, come back--and scowled. “I do not have _head nipples,_ what the fuck is wrong with you? Did you spend your entire xenobiology course fondling yourself?”

“Wow, mean.”

“They’re sensory organs, shithead. So sometimes it feels nice to touch them, okay? Like a massage, if you have even the _basic_ knowledge required to know what those are.”

John snickered and slid one hand down Dave’s side. “Is this your way of asking for a massage? I bet I give a good massage. You should definitely let me touch your muscles and find out.”

“Oh my shit, no, and wow, also, _no,_ you’d paralyze me.” Karkat rolled his eyes. “Anyway, we’re supposed to be fucking Dave, not fucking with each other.”

“Haha, oh man, great point. You are full of good ideas.”

Dave was not prepared for the full force of two hot Starfleet officers teaming up and going at him. Holy shit. John’s hand slipped down the back of his pants and grabbed a handful of ass while his mouth went right back to biting at Dave’s neck. Karkat got a hand up his shirt and pinched his nipple, leaning in to kiss him again.

There was, uh, definitely something to be said for the teamwork between a Captain and their First Officer. Goddamn.

Dave gasped and rocked his hips back against John’s. Was that a boner? Hell yes. “Not fucking fair, you guys, how am I supposed to get you back like this?”

“You’re not,” Karkat said sweetly.

“You know how controlling commanding officers can be,” John hummed. His hand was inching ever closer to Dave’s cock. What the fuck, where did _this_ John come from all of the sudden? “It’s probably best if you let us take the reigns.”

“Man, fuck you,” Dave panted. He couldn’t exactly find it in himself to mind. “At least take those uniforms off, I wanna _see.”_

“Yeah, John, why _don’t_ you take your uniform off?” Karkat looked over Dave’s shoulder and raised his eyebrows.

“You’re wearing one too, you’re not exempt from the getting-naked party,” John said, but he was getting up and fiddling with his uniform regardless. Dave...actually had no idea how they got those things on, he couldn’t see any zippers or anything. An _educational_ strip tease. Score.

“Except you’ve both been making eyes at me since I _boarded_ this fucking glorified scuttlebuggy, so I think I’m owed a little bit of a show first. Fair’s fair and all that shit.”

“To be fair, dat ass though,” Dave said, philosophically. It was impossible _not_ to ogle. It was modern art.

And oh hey John was topless now. Hell yes. Dave and Karkat both went quiet as he pulled down his pants, leaving him in a pair of gloriously tight briefs. Dave was going to write Starfleet the _longest_ thank you letter for these uniforms. John climbed back onto the bed, the mattress dipping with his added weight, and waggled his eyebrows at the both of them.

“Your turn,” Karkat said, his hand sliding down Dave’s side and tugging at the hem of his pants.

“What happened to getting you naked?” Despite his complaining, Dave rolled onto his back and lifted his hips. “Thought I was gonna get a titillating peek at what lies beneath the Fleet’s tightest uniforms ever?”

“Well,” Karkat hummed, tugging Dave’s pants off the rest of the way, “if they’re _that_ tight do you really get anything out of me taking it off? Isn’t ‘less is more’ the stupid human saying?”

John plucked Dave’s sunglasses off his face and set them aside. “I don’t know, Karkat, I would love to see your weird alien penis.”

“Oh, no, now he’s never going to take his pants off, what have you done--” Dave made an undignified noise as John reached down and suddenly hauled his shirt up. It got stuck around his shoulders, because of course it did. John, the bastard, just laughed as Dave sat up and wriggled out of it.

Once he got his head clear of his shirt and tossed it aside, Dave realized Karkat had already gotten down to business undressing. The dude did not fuck around, apparently. Not that Dave was complaining, hell no, that was the last thing he was gonna do when given such a primo opportunity.

He had these charcoal-colored lines of raised chitin on his sides, and no belly button. Which was more jarring than it should have been, really. Fucking duh he didn’t have a belly button, he wasn’t a _mammal._ What was Dave even thinking.

But on the other hand he definitely had nips. And perky little tits, what was even _up_ with trolls. Whatever was going on in their evolutionary tree, though, Dave was definitely a fan. Karkat was hot shit. Karkat could’ve been the cover model for one of those stupid romance novels he read all the time, with those fuckoff-red eyes staring out at the reader or some shit. Or maybe that would just be scary. A bunch of those wires were all crossed in Dave’s head, okay, he couldn’t be blamed for where his brain went when left unsupervised.

“I’m not seeing any alien penis,” John singsonged as Karkat kicked off his pants.

“I swear to shit, Egbert, call it that again and you will _never_ see it--”

“I fucking told you, dog,” Dave stage-whispered.

“--because there is physically no way I can unsheathe with you sitting there going on about _weird alien penises._ Fuck’s sake, where did you learn your dirty talk, a joke book?”

“I don’t know…” John made a thoughtful expression and slid his hand down Dave’s chest. “My dirty talk must be pretty good, since I’ve got both of you in _my_ bed.”

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that was the work of your ass, not your smooth and suave wa-a-ays, ohfuck okay we’re going straight to the dong touching.”

John glanced at Dave’s face, then down to where he was palming Dave through his underwear, and raised his eyebrows. “Is this not cool?”

“It’s cool!” Dave said hastily, propping himself up on his elbows. “It’s super cool. But you keep saying shit like, well, the shit you’ve been saying, and then you’re like also time to give you a handy. It’s gonna give a guy whiplash.”

“Yeah, well.” Karkat grumbled and pushed Dave’s legs apart--oh fuck shit that was hot--so he could settle in between them. “You’re not going to have to put up with his shit for much longer, so you should savor his idiocy while you have it.”

There was an awkward, silent beat as the three of them looked at each other.

 _“Well,”_ John said after a moment, “my idiocy is a special treat reserved for only the best of the best, so you should feel lucky! I am going to touch your junk now.”

“Wow, I just came in my fucking pants, Captain, better be careful using dirty talk _that_ dirty, someone might actually get laid. We can’t have _that.”_ Man, even Karkat’s _sneer_ was sexy, what the hell. “What happened to the whole ‘controlling’ schtick?”

“I’m saving the best for last.” John nodded decisively and--yesssss, fuck yes, he slid his warm hand under the elastic of Dave’s boxers and slowly stroked his cock.

Karkat watched this with an almost scientific curiosity, trailing his claws along the inside of Dave’s thigh as he bucked his hips into John’s too-light grip. Karkat laughed quietly when Dave swore under his breath, the bastard. John was snickering, too. This was how he was going to die. Sexually tormented by two evil officers. 

“So, hey, I have an idea,” Dave said, a little more airily than he’d normally like, “a really crazy idea, but I think it’ll be pretty fun if you just give it a chance, so like, hear me out. What if we stopped fucking around and started actually _fucking around?_ Am I right?”

John and Karkat shared a Look. That was a look that said they had some sort of evil plan, and they were going to have way too much fun carrying it out.

John tugged Dave’s underwear down just enough so his dick was free of its cloth prison, and then just...held him upright for Karkat. Karkat, who leaned forward without even giving him an instant to comment on this state of affairs, and. Licked it. Like he was eating an ice cream cone.

“Not that I’m complaining, because, like, I’m definitely not, I’m really super definitely not, who would complain about some first rate head from a first rate officer, but uh. That’s not really how we do blowjobs back on good ole Earth, so. Um. I’m shutting up now.”

Karkat gave him a deeply withering look and licked a broad stripe along the underside of Dave’s cock. Okay, yes, that was great, more of that. His tongue was a little rough? Not sandpapery, not so rough it hurt, just strange enough that it felt amazing.

And then, mindful of his teeth, Karkat took him into his mouth. Holy shit. Dave didn’t even have time to start up his usual litany of lust-addled bullshit, because then John was kissing him. John was warm and his lips quirked up in a tiny smile every time Dave let out a gasp or a moan or a curse. Which was often. So it wasn’t, technically speaking, what many people would call a _great_ kiss. But it was nice.

 _Everything_ was kind of ridiculously nice. Karkat’s hands were firm and strong on his hips, keeping him from bucking up into his mouth. Probably a wise decision, really, all things considered. Troll teeth _especially_ considered. John was still touching him, too. He’d given up on the kissing endeavor after their teeth had clicked too many times, instead focusing his mouth and hands on Dave’s nipples.

Which left _Dave’s_ mouth free to resume rambling.

“Oh, fuck, you guys, holy shit, this is the best thing ever. It’s like it’s my birthday, but also like fourteen other birthdays jammed into it, but instead of it feeling weird and like I’m left out of my own party or whatever I’m getting blown in the uh, in the bathroom of the roller rink? Or wherever this party is taking place, the point--the point is! And I do have, ohfuck, I do have a point, it’s that you guys are super good at this. Shiiiit.”

Karkat pulled off and gave him an incredulous look, his lips shiny and wet. John was snickering too, although he kept nipping at the skin along Dave’s jaw. It wasn’t really helping with the whole composure thing.

“What the actual, shitblistering fuck,” Karkat said, his voice throaty and rough, “just came out of your mouth.”

“Dirty talk?” Dave tried hopefully.

“And here you guys were criticizing my smooth moves.” John snickered. “Karkat, where did you learn to suck dick?”

“I did some research, okay, I wasn’t going to stumble into this blind--”  
  
“Holy shit, how much porn did you watch?” Dave asked immediately. “I need exact numbers.”

“I _read_ some,” Karkat snapped, “for purely _educational_ purposes.”

“Yeah, sure you did.” John rolled his eyes. “You should keep sucking his dick. For science!”

“I will do whatever I _damn well please,_ without input from the dunderfuck circus’ two favorite assclowns.” He cleared his throat. “...Yeah, okay.”

Dave’s incoherent rambles started back up in full force as Karkat hollowed his cheeks and swirled his tongue in tiny circles underneath the head. John hummed smugly and palmed himself, biting Dave’s earlobe and whispering things that alternated between hilarious and filthy and hilariously filthy.

Really, was it any surprise he didn’t last much longer, like that?

“I’m--fuck, oh, oh, Karkat your mouth is fucking magical, you’re charming the hell out of my trouser snake, I’m gonna, I’m seriously gonna come, shit--”

Karkat pulled off with a wet pop and smirked at his forlorn noise. “As gratifying as that is--and believe me, it _is_ gratifying, despite the bizarre imagery--I’m not done with you just yet, Strider.”

“Oh, me neither, I really kind of want to fuck you.” John paused. “Uh, if that’s okay.”

Dave blurted an embarrassing noise and nodded wordlessly. Fuck, these two were going to kill him. His dick hurt.

Karkat and John looked at each other for a quiet moment, both of them flushed and Karkat breathing hard. John broke the stillness by waggling his eyebrows and crawling towards him on hands and knees, humming some little nonsense tune.

“So, Karkat,” John’s voice was suddenly low, and Dare dave say it, sexy. He was seriously going to give them all boner whiplash. “I think it’s _your_ turn to get, how do they say it? Wrecked?”

“You know exactly how ‘they,’ say it, you deformed ape, you _are_ they,” Karkat replied. His tone was trying for gruff but landing somewhere squarely in ‘breathy.’ Dave propped himself up on one elbow to watch what was no doubt going to be a _fantastic_ show.

John and Karkat shuffled around until Karkat was reclining on his elbows, with John settled over top of him, between his legs. Dave could see a tantalizing hint of something wet and _moving_ beneath Karkat’s no-nonsense Fleet-issue briefs. Oh, hell yes.

Karkat chirped as their lips met, his hands floundering on John’s sides before he seemed to remember nipples existed. That...gave Dave an idea, actually. He sat up and trailed one hand along Karkat’s side, flicking that raised ridge of chitin. Score. Karkat gasped and made a chattering noise, his hand gripping John’s hair roughly.

“Ah, shit,” John said, voice airy, and laughed. He dared boldly go where no one had gone before, and slid his fingers into the danger zone of Karkat’s underoos. Dave would have been lying if he said he wasn’t watching with rapt fucking attention.

Karkat gasped and clicked and chirped and made all sorts of other weird, delightfully sexy alien noises. He rocked his hips into John’s hand, his legs falling wider open. Things were _definitely_ moving down there now, in a way that made Dave want to see more right now immediately.

John was apparently in agreement. “Oh, wow,” he said, his tone almost reverent. “Karkat, I think I love your weird alien penis. We are best friends now.”

“You-- _rrhst,_ that is the opposite of arousing, you piece of shit.” His words said angry, but the way he was squirming back and yanking down his briefs--well. It also said angry, but like, sexy troll angry.

John snickered and took the opportunity to remove his own underwear. Dave wasn’t sure where to look first. John was somewhat more familiar just by virtue of being a fellow human; his cock was definitely on the bigger side, foreskin pulling back to give a peek at a gorgeous, flushed head. Dave wanted it in him so fucking bad.

Karkat, on the other hand. Karkat was alien and exciting down to the last detail. His...tentacle? Thing? Bulge? Was short and thick, and it was _wiggling,_ curling back against his stomach and smearing a thin trail of pinkish-red translucent pre. And below that, instead of the balls Dave was still half-expecting to see, was a glistening wet slit. Suddenly a whole bunch of comments about nooks made so much more sense. Dave wasn’t sure what he wanted to get his mouth on first, but holy fuck, he wanted to give him head, like, yesterday.

That was apparently not in the cards, because Karkat swung one leg over Dave’s thighs and straddled him. This was the furthest thing from a problem, though, holy shit. Yes fucking please. Off to their side, John stroked himself slowly. Dave groaned, reaching for Karkat’s sides, thumbing at those ridges. These two were going to kill him.

“I hate that it doesn’t move. I swear, humans are so fucking bizarre…” Karkat started grumbling quietly under his breath, lapsing into Alternian. He was probably calling Dave’s dick a pantsweasel or something. Dave would call his dick a pantsweasel. Maybe he was the outlier here.

Karkat reached down between them and stroked the head of Dave’s cock between the lips of his nook. He was wet as hell already, more of that pink material dripping down the insides of his thighs and onto Dave’s skin. Trolls...were a sexy slip ‘n slide.

They both groaned in unison, Karkat’s head dropping as he slowlyslowlyslowly rolled his hips. He was so fucking hot. It was taking all of Dave’s willpower not to thrust his hips up into that wet space.

“Karkat,” he whimpered, “Karkat, please, please fuck me, Karkat, please. Phasers are set to nut, you’re the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, seriously, please.”

“Well, what am I, then?” John asked, but his eyes were scrunched up in amusement.

“Sorry dude, you’re not about to ride ‘em cowboy giddyup yeehaw into the sunset, you’re disqualified, I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it works.”

“If I fuck you, will you shut up?” Karkat asked. His bulge was curling around his own wrist, and his voice had gone a little breathy. At least Dave wasn’t the only one losing his composure.

“Not even a little bit, dude.” It was the truth. The filter only got worse the closer Dave was to busting a nut. Truly it was the Strider family curse.

“I don’t know,” John said, running his fingers through Dave’s sweaty hair, “I think it is kind of cute. Gross! But cute.”

Karkat laughed, more quiet little puffs of breaths than anything, and slowly lowered himself.

It was nothing like sex with a human. It was amazing. He had--inside, there were tons of tiny little baby tentacles lining his inner walls, wiggling like they were trying to pull Dave deeper. And he was so, so wet, he sank down easy as anything, like a dream. His bulge was curling fitfully against Dave’s stomach, staining his pubes. He clenched his muscles and started rolling his hips, and they let out simultaneous gasps.

Troll sex didn’t seem to involve a ton of in-and-out, judging by the way Karkat was grinding in these tiny motions, and the leverage wasn’t great for thrusting in this position, but. Fuck. Dave was losing his goddamn mind. On a hunch, he reached down and tangled his fingers with Karkat’s bulge, squeezing gently.

It was one friendly fucking tentacle. It immediately latched itself onto Dave’s hand, oozing more of that pink pre-material all over the place. Karkat let loose a stream of chattering sounds Dave surmised were alien moans and bounced more enthusiastically on his dick.

“You’re not--ah, fuck--entirely terrible at this,” Karkat said, dragging a hand down Dave’s chest to pinch one nipple.

“Wow, thanks.” Dave stuck his tongue out. Off to the side, John was laughing.

“And here I was expecting some really good pillow talk from Commander Critical, after all that complaining!” He came around behind Karkat and bit at the juncture between his neck and shoulder. Karkat went bright red and made a sound vaguely reminiscent of a cicada.

“Well, I mean--” He huffed a sigh that shifted into a moan when Dave pushed up into him. “O-okay, fuck, I guess we all need to learn not to sound like complete tools when it comes to concupiscent relations. You feel incredible. Really, shit, do that again.”

Dave did that again. Karkat grabbed his free hand and put it on one of his tits, his eyes going half-lidded as he slowly lifted himself up and sank back down.

“Shit, shit, Karkat, you’re so fucking hot, you’re a fucking supergiant star, you’re a hot griddle, fucking, sizzle sizzle, seriously, so good. Perfect. Amazing. Four billion out of ten.”

Karkat’s smile was a lot embarrassed and a little fond, just the tips of his fangs peeking out from under his lip. It made Dave’s heart do a series of kickflips as warmth bloomed in his chest. He was seriously gorgeous. He put both of his hands on Dave’s chest for leverage and started really riding him, those muscular thighs clenching as he bounced in Dave’s lap.

“I’m going to go get lube,” John said, voice low. Dave squinted at him and raised an eyebrow. Dave could blow him. It’d be easy, like this, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t thinking about the feel of John in his mouth, the weight of him on his tongue, how he’d taste. The fuck did they need lube for?

“I don’t know if you _noticed,_ Egbert,” Karkat said wryly, gesturing to himself, “but I’m really not going to need any.”

John laughed and got up off the mattress, waving a hand. Dave and Karkat both turned their heads to watch him go. That ass did not get any less amazing without the uniform in the way.

“Not for you, Karkat.” He walked over to the replicator built into the far wall of his quarters. “For Dave! If he still wants me to fuck him, I mean, haha. Computer, body safe lubricant and one condom, please.”

“I want,” Dave said quickly, and then paused. “Your replicator can make condoms?”

“Get a bucket while you’re over there,” Karkat said. Neither of them acknowledged the condom question.

“You guys really use those?” John asked. “I thought that was just, um. Just a kind of shitty speceist joke?”

“We use them, and I in specific use them if _you_ want to use your shitty sleeping slat for actually _sleeping.”_

“Well then, uh, wow, okay. Computer, one...plastic….bucket?”

“Plastic?! That’s so _trashy_ holy _fuck.”_ Judging by his breathless tone, Karkat thought being a little trashy was more than a little thrilling. Dave couldn’t help but smile. Of course the guy hung up on being ~romantic~ would get his tentacle dingdong in a twist over shit like that.

John came back into view, holding the requested items. The bucket looked so fucking ridiculous next to a condom and a bottle of lube, Dave couldn’t help snickering. Karkat made an indignant noise and rolled his eyes, taking the bucket and setting it off to the side.

“So can you guys roll over?” John asked, sitting back down on the mattress and giving himself a few ‘buck up, buddy’ strokes. “I’m not exactly a contortionist so I don’t think I could even try to fuck Dave like this, haha.”

Karkat heaved a long, dramatic sigh and pulled off Dave’s dick. Dave’s dick, which was...now bright fucking pink. God, that was so weird.

“I don’t know how I keep ending up on the bottom of these fucking piles,” Karkat grumbled. Dave sat up and shifted out of the way so Karkat could lay down on his back, and then settled between his legs.

“Because you love it,” Dave replied, lining up and slowly slowly slowly pushing in again.

He felt the mattress dip again as John shifted positions. It was always a little vulnerable, for Dave to have his back exposed to someone like that. John didn’t laugh or make any weird comments, though, nothing like that at all. Instead, his hands--big, warm, not as callused as Dave’s were from going on digs--bracketed Dave’s hips, and he pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck.

“You guys look seriously amazing,” John said. Dave felt his hands leave his hips, and then he could hear the sound of the lube bottle being opened. Karkat craned his neck to look past Dave’s shoulder, flushing slightly.

“You need to get your eyes checked, dumbdumb,” he said, his voice gone surprisingly soft. “Not about Dave, but--augh. You’re the ones that look good.”

Dave couldn’t resist kissing his cheek, chaste and sweet in contrast to everything else that was going on. Karkat chirped and glanced away. And then it was Dave’s turn to hide his face, muffling ridiculous noises in the crook of Karkat’s neck, as John slowly pushed one lube-slick finger inside of him.

It was always kind of weird, at first. Karkat was a welcome distraction, biting the shit out of Dave’s neck, his jaw, his chest. He was going to be absolutely _covered_ in marks, it was kind of hot as fuck. And the little tiny tentacles inside Karkat’s nook were--they were really fucking alien, for one, but it should have been _illegal,_ how good they felt, rippling around Dave in waves.

John added a second finger, and then a third, scissoring them slowly and pausing to add more lube as he went. Dave was whining with every exhale at that point, his legs shaking minutely and sweat dripping down his back.

“Okay,” John said, after what felt like forever, “I am going to fuck you now.”

“About damn time,” Dave replied, trying for ‘snarky’ and landing squarely in ‘desperate.’ He couldn’t be blamed, okay, the fact that he hadn’t come yet was a goddamn miracle. People would sing songs of his legendary fortitude.

John lined up and pushed in, a centimeter at a time, until he was flush against Dave. Holy fucking shit, though, he really was big. Dave wasn’t exactly, uh, new to taking it up the ass, not by any stretch of the imagination, and he still--just--fuck. He was going to demolish Dave. It was going to be _great._

“Is this okay?” John asked.

Dave nodded, letting out a breathy moan as Karkat kissed the side of his mouth. His little baby tentacles were going fucking nuts, relentlessly stroking everywhere Dave was sensitive. It probably wasn’t even on purpose. These two were going to destroy him.

John started out slow, bending down until his chest was flush with Dave’s back, but he didn’t stay slow for long. Soon enough he was snapping his hips forward with bruising force, fucking Dave into Karkat, who was giving back exactly as good as he got. These two were something else when they were together, it was kind of amazing. Karkat clenched around him, whispering _filthy,_ unbelievably sexy things that Dave was positive came right out of some well-loved romance novel. John was less eloquent, but he more than made up for it with everything else. He kissed each scar on Dave’s back that he could reach, gasping out vague praise, aiming for Dave’s prostate with every thrust. His hands felt like they were everywhere.

Dave suddenly understood what it felt like to be caught between an unstoppable force and an immovable object.

It was no wonder he came then, blurting a loud noise he would definitely be embarrassed about later. He went boneless and collapsed on top of Karkat, who suffered this with minimal grumbling. John didn’t take much longer, thrusting once, twice, until he made a sound like ‘fnaagh’ and slumped on top of Dave.

“Would you two deign to get off of me,” Karkat wheezed, “so that _I_ can get off some time this century.”

“Oh, shit, Karkat, you didn’t come!” John sat up and pulled out--that would never stop feeling weird--and gave him a sheepish smile.

“Yes, and I am _trying_ to rectify that now. Dave, move your ass.”

Dave...really didn’t want to move, but he somehow found the energy to stop crushing Karkat and flop next to him on the mattress. Maybe because those little tentacles hadn’t stopped trying to pull him deeper, and it was starting to feel less awesome and more overstimulating. 

Karkat grabbed the bucket and got up on his knees, situating it between his thighs. Dave sprawled back to watch, while John came over and kissed his neck, dipping two fingers into his dripping nook.

“Oh, wow! You’ve got little wiggly things in there!”

Karkat bared his teeth at John, while grinding down on his fingers at the same time. He took his bulge in hand, working himself over roughly and panting.

“Stop talking about my junk like that, you hornless dipshit,” he said, pulling John into a sloppy, uncoordinated kiss. That was one way to preempt any more comments, Dave figured.

It wasn’t long before Karkat’s movements were stuttering. He was chirping and gasping for breath, and the face he made as he finally came was _gorgeous._

Dave propped himself up on one elbow and peered curiously into the bucket as Karkat flopped backwards onto the mattress. John caught the pail just in time, narrowly avoiding the tragic death of his bed.

“Haha, ew,” Dave said, resisting the urge to poke what was essentially a cup of jizz. Karkat swatted weakly at his thigh and mumbled something too quiet for Dave to understand.

When John had disposed of the used condom and buckets (where, Dave didn’t want to know), he sprawled across the other two, grinning wide.

As they all squabbled over the best sleeping positions to fit three grown men into one bed, Dave realized something he’d known, on some level, from the start.

He was completely heads-over-heels for these two, who could be so breathtakingly competent while on-duty, and entirely ridiculous everywhere else. Who laughed at his jokes and looked at him like he was something almost special. He wanted to fight over sleeping space every night. Or, no, he wanted one of those huge beds, so they could fight over who got to be in the middle. He wanted to wake up next to them every morning.

But it was two days before he left. That was no time to spring that shit on someone. They’d feel pressured, like they couldn’t say no, like he’d give them a bad review if they did. They couldn’t afford that on their files, not when they’d been so recently promoted. Neither of them would risk it; they’d say yes no matter what. And...honestly, if they were _really_ interested, wouldn’t they have said something before now? This was a last minute fuck to put the capstone on a month of playing grabass. That was it.

He’d get over them, eventually.

John had the computer dim the lights, Karkat threw an arm across them both, and Dave willed himself to just appreciate it while it lasted.

 

**John: Panic. == >**

 

Karkat was the first one up, letting loose an inventive stream of cursing when his communicator beeped. John felt...kind of bad for him, yeah, but he was relieved that it wasn’t enough of an issue that they needed the Captain’s presence. He was tired, okay! Sleeping in for a bit longer was nice.

It wasn’t nearly as nice when Karkat left, though. He was so warm! And it had been really enjoyable, getting to fall asleep with both Karkat and Dave in his bed. Sweaty, but enjoyable. At least Dave was still there, for a little while; he drawled something incomprehensible and snuggled closer to John. He was pretty much a big koala, throwing one leg over John’s and wrapping an arm around his torso.

Of course, it couldn’t last. John had to get up for his duty shift not much longer after that, and when he pried Dave off, he sat up, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. Once he realized what was going on, he made an expression that was almost...pained? And jumped out of bed, hastily getting dressed.

“I’m not going to kick you out, you know,” John told him, laughing a little. “If you wanted to sleep in, I mean.”

Dave nodded sharply, yanking on his pants. “Yeah. I mean. Thanks. I just...got all sorts of shit to do, right. Gotta make sure that red tape is sorted before I land. Gotta pack. I’d best get out of your hair and go do that, you know how it is.”

John hoped his hurt didn’t show on his face. He would be pretty oversensitive to get upset over something like that, right? Dave was going to be leaving soon, it only made sense that he’d need to go. And John offering to let him sleep in his bed while he worked was probably really weird.

He couldn’t help himself from frowning once Dave had booked it out the door, though.

John found his thoughts kept drifting back to the night before, no matter how hard he tried to focus on his work. Even once he’d relieved the acting captain of duty and started looking over the night’s reports, he couldn’t help but wonder. What if Dave didn’t have to leave, would he have accepted John’s offer? Would Karkat want to maybe do that kind of thing again, with Dave gone? Was it so wrong to be upset that Dave was leaving?

He wasn’t going to beg him to stay--that would be silly, they all had jobs to do and Dave could abandon his no more than John or Karkat could abandon theirs, but. Some part of him _wanted_ to. It was just...it had been such a _nice_ month. He didn’t want it all to end.

Dave had made it clear he didn’t want this to continue after they dropped him off, though. And John’s father had raised a _gentleman,_ he wasn’t going to push! He’d get over him, eventually. It was only a month of his life, he probably wouldn’t even _remember_ it in a few years. Captains’ lives were so busy, after all! Ha. Ha ha.

Some time near the end of his shift--how was it already that late? Did he lose track of time _that_ badly?--Karkat requested a meeting in John’s ready room with a tone that left no room for argument.

As soon as the door slid shut behind them, Karkat was pacing. He seemed really agitated! More than normal. Way, way more than normal.

“Okay,” he said, running his hands through his hair and leaving it sticking up all over, “Okay. Okay! So this is disgustingly fucking unprofessional and I understand if you’re done with my shit, because I would be done with my shit too, I mean, I am, that’s pretty much my constant state of being. My shit is exhausting and I don’t know how anyone can stand to put up with it for a _second,_ let alone--”

“Karkat.” John held up his hands. “Not to, um, not to get all pale on you or whatever, but just...breathe, dude, okay?”

Karkat opened his mouth, snapped it shut again, and took a deep, exaggerated breath through his nose. “I’m calm.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m as calm as I’m going to _get,_ Egbert, let’s get this show on the road.” He’d stopped pacing, at least, which was probably a good sign. He was gesticulating wildly now, but he pretty much always did that. “So Dave is leaving tomorrow.”

“Yes.”

“And I don’t know about you, I mean, maybe I’m being a presumptuous piece of shit, I probably am, but I think maybe we all have something that’s worth more than just an extended game of grabass.”

Holy shit. Holy shit! John thought--well, he’d mostly tried to ignore his feelings, but he’d thought there was no way that any of them could reciprocate. Dave probably still didn’t, if that morning was any proof. But here Karkat was, basically confessing to him. John was sure he had a huge, stupid grin on his face.

“I think so too, Karkat!”

Karkat looked away, his face going bright red, and scrubbed at his cheeks with the heel of his hand. John gave him a little bit to compose himself, and after a moment he turned back, his expression somewhere between ‘delighted’ and ‘incredulous.’

“Well--then, what do we do?”

John made a thoughtful sound. “Well...I think we have to finish our shifts first. The crew needs you motivating them! You are like our pissy hurricane of encouragement. But then after that, if you want to maybe come by my quarters, we can talk about it? I don’t know, you’re better at that romantic stuff than I am.”

“I’m starting to think we all fucking suck at it, actually,” Karkat said gruffly, but he straightened his back and nodded.

When they went back to their stations, John found it hard to sit still. He wasn’t sure what would come of this, and he was full of the worst mix of excitement and apprehension. It was kind of ridiculous. But whatever happened, it had to be better than saying nothing, right?

Right.

 

**Karkat: Try and fail not to flip your shit. == >**

 

Karkat had talked with John late into the night. Well, not all that late for _him;_ it wasn’t unusual for him to show up to his shift after three hours of sleep, but late for John. He’d stayed over in John’s quarters again. It was just...sleeping in human beds was kind of horrible, but if he took a sopor patch it wasn’t so bad, and actually sleeping next to someone made it worth it. Not that either of them had done much sleeping, judging by the bags under John’s eyes.

“Chin up,” Karkat said, shoving a cup of coffee into John’s hands. “Isn’t that your inane human expression?”

“It is, but you can’t make me chin up. I refuse.” John took a sip of coffee and grimaced. “Bluh, this is way too sweet. How are you not super anxious right now?”

Karkat had added much less sugar than seemed right to John’s; he slurped his own syrupy coffee and didn’t comment. “Oh, I’m so fucking anxious my pan’s lost the ability to process my emotions. It’s great!”

John laughed a little at that, which was, at least, better than him sitting there and staring into the middle distance like he was about to march towards his own death. They wouldn’t die, probably. Well. They might die inside, and they would definitely send their reputations down in a flaming ball of wreckage, to be remembered as the greatest display of idiocy in their time, but they’d still be alive! Most likely.

Karkat was being melodramatic, as was the case with...basically everything ever. They just had to talk to Dave before he left, and ask if he maybe thought they had something, if he wanted to try actually seriously dating instead of...whatever the fuck it was they’d been doing.

It would be a long distance thing a lot of the time, but Karkat wasn’t exactly worried about that. His first matesprit, they’d been long distance too. She was going through legislacerator training, or whatever the non-murderous Federation equivalent was, while Karkat had been at the Academy. The long-distance part hadn’t been a problem. It was more...Karkat’s entire personality that had soured that. Same with his ex-moirail.

He could understand, in a sort of academic, detached way, that John and Dave apparently didn’t find his body entirely repulsive. People had weird fetishes, whatever. Someone out there probably thought slime molds were hot, people were _bound_ to find Karkat at least somewhat attractive eventually. But slime molds didn’t have a personality, and there was the crucial difference. A slime mold couldn’t run its fucking mouth and drive everyone away from it.

So he was pretty sure Dave was going to say no, what the fuck is wrong with you, you clingy freak, can’t you just let a booty call be a booty call and be done with it? But...John wanted to ask him, too. And Karkat was an expert at doing things even when he knew the outcome was going to be disastrous.

So they were going to ask him. They just had to work up the nerve first.

They’d see him eventually, regardless, even if only just to see him off in the transporter room. But first they had to contact the inhabitants of the planet they’d be sending him off to, make sure all the cargo was prepared for unloading, just generally go over standard pre-orbit procedures. It was nothing Karkat hadn’t done before, even if this was his first time doing it as First Officer, but that knowledge didn’t make him any less nervous.

Going through preparations while the clock ticked down was the worst part. There wasn’t anything Karkat could do but wait for a chance to talk to Dave and agonize over the countless ways it could go wrong.

He ran through his speech in his head again as he looked through a report from Engineering. Dave could say no. That was probably the most likely result, and honestly not the worst one. Karkat had dealt with rejection before, he was a grown ass troll who could handle being told no just as well as anyone else.

The worst part would be John’s inevitable disappointment. The guy was a chronic optimist, he’d be hoping for the best no matter how hilariously unlikely it was. And when Dave rejected them, Karkat wasn’t sure if John would want anything to do with _him_ anymore. Maybe he was only tolerable with Dave’s dubious charm in the mix, diluting his bullshit. John probably wouldn’t want to keep him on in a professional capacity, either.

Of course, Karkat should have expected that, right? No fucking shit he’d bungle his first assignment after getting promoted because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

His thoughts ran around in around in circles like this as the rest of him went through the rote motions of daily ship life. As the afternoon--or what passed for it, in space--drew closer, his apprehension increased until his squawkstem felt like it was going to seal itself shut. Knowing rejection was coming didn’t make waiting for it any easier.

That was why he nearly jumped out of his skin when John put a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, so--oh, shit, Karkat, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!”

“You didn’t scare me, fuck off,” Karkat snapped, setting aside his PADD. He’d been going over an inventory list from Logistics to see what they’d need to pick up when they next stopped. And carefully not thinking about how they were now in orbit.

“Haha, okay, sure. Anyway, um. Did you want to come down to the transporter room with me…?”

Karkat took a deep breath and nodded. “We might as well get this shit over with, right?”

 

**Karkat: Face ~~the gallows~~  a potential future romantic partner. ==>**

 

Dave arrived in the transporter room much like he had the first time. Jeans, t-shirt, shades, obnoxiously casual air. The only difference was that now Karkat could attribute the slouch to exhaustion, and knew the ‘gave no fucks’ persona was fronting. Knowing he was a ridiculous dork should have made it so much easier.

It didn’t.

“Hey, Dave?” John was, thankfully, biting the bullet first for this. Karkat was positive he’d fuck it up, but _John_ at least had a chance of somehow being endearingly bad at this. Karkat? Absolutely fucking not.

“Uh. Yeah? You guys come to see me off?” He’d never notice it before, but Karkat could tell now, by the set of his brow, his just-so-slightly defensive posture, that Dave was anxious too. That was...relieving, paradoxically.

“Well, sort of, haha.” John rubbed the back of his neck. “If you have a minute?”

“I got all the minutes, dude. I mean, uh, not actually, my boss is gonna need me to check in with her once I’m all settled in and shit, but--Yeah. I got a minute. What do you need?”

These two were so fucking stupid. How did Karkat have feelings for them? Not even decent, normal, quadrant-based feelings, oh no. His pumpbiscuit had smeared all the quadrants together into a black-red-pale and, dare he fucking say it, _ashen_ clusterfuck. For both of them. And he wanted them to reciprocate.

“So, Karkat and I were thinking...right, Karkat? You’re in on this too!”  
  
“Right. Stop the fucking presses, we were _thinking._ Shock and awe rocks the planet to its core.”

John rolled his eyes and laughed a little under his breath. “I know, right, it is super terrifying. But, um, we both really liked this month? Spending time with you, playing video games, and eating together, and--and stuff!”

“Stuff.” Dave’s deadpan didn’t reveal anything about what he was thinking. Karkat steeled himself for rejection. His palms were sweating.

“You know.” John waved his hand in a vague gesture and lowered his voice. _“Stuff._ Stuff like the other night. Coupley stuff!”

“Not that we actually _did_ much coupley stuff,” Karkat grumbled, because he couldn’t keep himself from running his mouth for any length of time. “I mean, I’d like to actually take you on a fucking date some time.”

“Yeah,” John said quickly, “I mean, I’m no ‘romance master’ like Karkat, haha, but, I mean. I would like to maybe keep doing stuff like that with you both. But like officially. As boyfriends?”

Dave was silent for a concerningly long length of time. Karkat tried to ignore the way his pumpbiscuit felt like it had dropped into his fucking knees. It was fine. He’d known the answer would be ‘no’ from the start.

“But seriously no pressure, we’re not going to be shitty about it.” Karkat couldn’t help from backpedaling; his mouth was running on autopilot and had gone completely off the rails, like it always did. “No need to let us down easy or anything. You can just say no. I mean, I’d say no if someone confessed to me like that. Or, if you really want, you can slap us as a cordial parting gift. It’s only fair, after dumping shit like that on you.”

While he was ranting, Dave’s face had split into an enormous, incredulous grin.

“Really? I mean really about the dating shit, not about the slapping thing.”

“Yes, really!” John nodded. He was grinning, too. Karkat couldn’t really process what was happening. “Please don’t slap me, Karkat can have that all to himself.”

“Fuck, and all this time I was worried about _forcing_ myself on you guys. Yes, holy shit, I would _love_ to see what the hell weird shit you guys cook up for a date. You’ve got to come here next time you’re on shore leave. I mean, we’ve got dirt, dirt, and more dirt, but you Fleet dudes are supposed to be all about roughing it, right?” Dave was animated, talking with his hands as he went on, practically bouncing in place.

John was apparently not immune to his enthusiasm, and nodded excitedly. “We’ll have to video chat, like, every night, I got kind of used to seeing your dumb face all the time--Karkat, are you crying?”

Karkat sniffled. “No. Fuck you. I’m allergic to stupid.”

Warm hands with long, callused fingers suddenly cupped his cheeks and gently tipped his chin up.

“Well, what a fuckin’ coincidence,” Dave drawled. Karkat generously ignored the way his face had gone a splotchy shade of red underneath the shades. “‘Cause I got the cure right here.”

“Dave, no, that was so corny,” John said, but Karkat wasn’t listening.

Dave was kissing him. It wasn’t like their kisses the other night. It was gentle, sweet. Slow. Karkat pulled him closer and tried to commit every inch of him to memory.

The transporter operator cleared her throat. “Um. Captain?”

Dave and Karkat jumped away from each other abruptly, both their faces burning. He’d forgotten she was there, fuck.

“Oh, right, um. One second, ensign, we’ll wrap this up.” John glanced around, a blush rising on his own face. It was stupidly cute. “I kind of want a goodbye kiss too!”

Watching the two of them kiss wasn’t nearly as weird as Karkat had expected it to be. It was kind of fucking hot, actually, and wow, _that_ was something he was going to have to put a pin in and bring up later. If he ever managed to work up the nerve. More likely, they’d figure it out on their own and use it at the worst possible moment. He somehow couldn’t bring himself to mind.

“Okay,” John said, when they broke apart. Dave looked more than a little dazed as he stepped onto the transporter pad. He still had a doofy smile on his face. “Ensign, are you ready?”

“Yes, Captain.” At least she only sounded slightly scarred for life.

“Dave?”

“I’m gonna send you a message as soon as I’m settled, call me when you’re off your duty shifts, seriously.”

“We will,” Karkat said, holding up a hand. “Now go do your goddamn job.”

“Okay, okay, I’m ready.”

John laughed. “Energize.”

 

**John: One week later. == >**

 

John and Karkat had crowded next to each other on John’s bed, as was starting to become a nightly tradition. Karkat didn’t sleep in there every night, or even most nights, and John was still afraid of trying to sleep in his slime pod, but there was no way either of them would miss out on this.

This being a chance to talk to Dave.

“Is this thing on?” Dave said, as he usually did when they started up video communications. The feed was a little grainy, but eventually he came into slightly better focus. Apparently signal out in the middle of nowhere wasn’t great, who knew?

“Yes it’s on, but I suddenly wish it wasn’t, you’re fucking _filthy,”_ Karkat said, squinting at the feed like he could will the dirt away.

“Well, yeah, babe, that’s what happens when you go on digs in, like, the dirt. Spoiler: I’m super sweaty, too.” He lifted his shades so he could wink into the camera. “I haven’t had a chance to shower yet.”

John couldn’t help laughing. “Ewww, you are so nasty. Did you at least find anything cool?”

Dave’s face did that thing it did when he was excited and trying not to show it. “Well...okay, so we’re not sure, it’s only a partial fossil, and muscle tissue doesn’t fossilize well, but we _think_ we found a new species of these, uh, so the taxonomic classification isn’t gonna mean shit to you guys, imagine birds but if birds had prehensile tongues…”

John still didn’t understand most of what he was saying, but watching him go on about what his team had found, seeing the way he lit up and couldn’t sit still in one place...it made his chest feel like it was full of light. Judging by the smitten way Karkat was watching the screen, he felt the same way.

He couldn’t wait until they were together in person again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on [tumblr.](https://felivey.tumblr.com/)


End file.
